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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
November 17th, 2021
VOLUME CDXX ISSUE LXIX 69¢ ANOTHER ARTICLE ABOUT NUTTING
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BIDEN TO CHANGE NNN TO ‘WANKSGIVING’ HARRY NUTTSACC GOBBLE ON DEEZ
In what may be considered an extremely partisan move, President Biden is starting to push for the Trump era No Nut November to be changed to Wanksgiving. The move was announced during a press conference Biden held on the White House lawn yesterday morning after his win with his recent infrastructure bill. Many reporters believed the press conference would center around the infrastructure bill as he lorded his victory, or perhaps about the COP26 conference that just ended last week. Instead, Biden described his plan to combat what he called "another partisan issue of great concern to the future of America and her citizens." Many are familiar with No Nut November, a month dedicated to not blowing your load. Talk
has started among certain internet circles that the month-long event is getting old and that the joke had run its course. It was perhaps in response to this and in an attempt to increase public appeal that Biden decided to support a bill that would replace No Nut November. Biden's address to reporters included a
more concrete but less believable reason behind the bill: "Ever since my predecessor instituted No Nut November as law in 2017, America's fertility has had a death grip on its balls. Might as well call it Rihanna." Many in the crowd called this tasteless. Biden Continued on Page 2
I WANNA STICK MY DICK IN A PUMPKIN LATTE
CELEBRATE THE HOLIDAYS WITH THE ALL-NEW STARBUCKS MENU! COMMON CENTSMAN IS A MEANIE BOBINI
Ask anyone: us, any sorority girl, Mariah Carey, Starbucks at the Yard… It’s the holiday season, baby! Starbucks is helping celebrate the season with a twist this year, though. With all of the existential crises, capital rioting, and other shit we’ve had to endure since our last, real holiday season, Starbucks has had a little reflection and decided to add a few new items to the menu to celebrate. A little congrats on making it through 2020 and 2021! Ready to buy all of those wish-list gifts? Enjoy it over a piping-hot “Capitalist Seasonal Dark Roast!” Maybe you’re someone with a lot of people to save face with? Well then you can end
your shopping spree with a creamy “Blow-Your-Budget Macchiato.” Gone carolling? Sip on the holiday spirit to keep you going with the “Reindeer Cream Latte,” or hit that higher key with an “Elf Tears Mocha!” 12 Days of Christmas is a really long time, luckily these reindeer are plenty
horny and the elves are sad enough to make supplies last well into 2022. Starbucks has also added some snacks for the season, but we don’t recommend them. The creative team went home early, so they settled on offering a “Kwanza Cookie” (cool?) and a “Hanukkah Continued on Page 2
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