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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
November 16th, 2022
VOLUME CDXX ISSUE LXIX $420.69 WHERE'S THE STUFFING?
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GOBBLE GOBBLE… THAT AIN’T MY TURKEY! BY LEXA PREAUX TURKEY GAAAAAAAANG!!!
Thievery, confusion, and disarray… All of these were found in the Fetterman School of Culinary Arts (FSCA) at Rutgers University on a recent evening. What was not found in the hallowed halls of FSCA were the 785 frozen butterball turkeys, which had been locked away in each classroom’s respective walk-freezers, ready for the annual turkey decorating contest. In their place was something more raw and bacteria-ridden than the poultry: Turkey Gang. Turkey Gang is a nationally recognized performance art group that specializes in Turkey. Often mistaken as an animal rights activist, Turkey Gang’s mission is to “Be turkey.” They are known for dressing as turkeys, sometimes lively and feathered but most of the time raw and slimy, and in hoards, letting out horrendous gobbles
on the streets of major cities and during live productions of The Magic Flute and All Shook Up. The motivation beyond “be turkey'' is a mystery to onlookers, but is clearly understood by Turkey Gang’s deeply passionate performers and organizers. On a tragic day, this passion overflowed into the haven of Rutgers University. The scene at FSCA was
described as “fragrant and devious” by the morning custodian who stumbled upon Turkey Gang in the first freezer. According to multiple eyewitnesses, each member was dressed in extremely realistic raw turkey costumes with details honored down to moisture. They would surround what has since been considered the “Queen Continued on Page 2
HE CAN'T KEEP GETTING AWAY WITH THIS!
LOCAL FUNNY WHITE BOY WITH BDE STRIKES AGAIN BY DISTRA DICCACCIO WHY DO I HAVE THIS NAME?
Pete Davidson has caught yet another body this month as he has recently been spotted, amongst other things, holding hands (holy shit this is so fucking lewd, oh my fucking God, I’m so sorry for reporting this!) in New York City with actress and model Emily Ratajkowski. This has recently come out shortly following the New York-based comedian’s split with media personality and socialite of reality TV fame, Kim Kardashian, after a period of nine months. The relationship with Kim also came after a series of other short-term relationships with other various celebrities, including Ariana Grande, Kate Beckingsdale, Margaret Qualley, Michelle
Obama, Liz Truss, and Queen Elizabeth (right before her death) among many others. The reason as to why the butthole-eyed comedian has been able to pull so much ass has eluded everyone for the past several years. Some have suggested that Davidson’s humor is so appealing
that he has developed literal queues of women in his DMs. Others have come up with the theory that, as a child, Davidson made a deal with the Devil, sacrificing his father’s life in exchange for having the most unworldly pull in the world. When we asked several people on the Continued on Page 2
In Awe of Skete's Game Since 1970
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