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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
November 10th, 2021
VOLUME CDXX ISSUE LXIX 69¢ FREE TAMPONS, PADS, AND MORE!
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IN EFFORT TO RECRUIT WOMEN, MEDIUM WILL MAKE “FREE WOMEN'S PRODUCTS” CAGE MICHAEL C. HAWKE CRACKED OUT ON CAFFEINE
Recently, it has reached our attention that The Medium as an organization has become dominated by men in just about every section, from News to Sports to Personals. This is in spite of its editor-in-chief being a woman, but since she cannot get laid for her life, she likely doesn’t count either. Instead, she probably doesn’t count as human to begin with, but rather some sort of Lovecraftian thing. Anyhow, as a result of this revelation, we have (with the exception of our editorin-chief and another rogue editor) unanimously decided that we will dedicate our resources to involving more women in the paper. Initially, our first plan was for our editors to personally begin recruiting women around campus themselves, but after some choice
words from the editor-in-chief, we sadly came to the conclusion that we were, as quoted by the chief herself, “Completely fucking disgusting human beings that no woman would ever want to be within six feet of, regardless of COVID-19 existing or not.” Eventually, after some further
deliberation (and a fight with another editor who shall not be named), we arrived to the conclusion that our best course of action for recruitment that didn’t require us to actually interact with a woman was this: a facility that will give out free women’s Continued on Page 2
MORE PUSSY JOKES COMING SOON
FOLLOWING “DICK-SUCKING CHAIRS” FIASCO, THE MEDIUM PIVOTS FOR MORE FEMALE MEMBERS COMMON CENTSMAN RENT ME FOR 10¢/HR
Help us! We don’t know if it’s apparent, but our marginally diverse writing staff only earns that title on the grounds of race/ ethnicity… Beyond that, these kiddos are mostly men - surprise! So any and all female and LGBTQIA+ members are welcome to help make us be better. In fact, we’re begging you to help. Want to talk shit in a medium that’s clearly not libelous? Here for it. Feel the need to speak truth to power? We take those. Got a bad joke that no one else gets? We can’t promise to print it, but as long as it’s not Chappelle-esque we will certainly laugh with you. We’re always welcoming of all new members. And we’re a
safe space for all off-the-cuff ideas. But we’re willing to call out a few of our best-worst ideas to illustrate how badly we need YOU to join our quirky little bubble. On the tail of last week’s issue describing “dick-sucking chairs” to entice more new members, these ideas have only
gone downhill from there. In the interest of fairness, there’s been an offer to commit to an equal number of “squirt” jokes as there are “cum” references. (Uh oh). Even “queef” and “fart” jokes are set to receive the same fair shake. (Please make it stop). Someone - a Continued on Page 2
Desperate For Women Since 1970
Edward Durr Goes BRRRRRRRR Medium Writers A Bunch of Witless Hacks News Editor Gets Addicted To Zombie Game, Becomes Zombie Correspondent More Narcissistic Than Narcissus A7 Editor Still Doesn't Speak Fucking French Ciattarelli Actually Ends Up In Shittarelli Man Puts 'Cream' In Date's Coffee, Loses NNN Elon Musk Throws Gold Ingot At Stripper Travis Scott: "Fuck Them Kids!"