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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
October 26th, 2022
VOLUME CDXX ISSUE LXIX $420.69 GOD I HOPE THIS SHIT WORKS
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LX BUSES TO BE SACRIFICED AT LIVINGSTON PLAZA FOR SATANIC BENDY BUS BY: A RUTGERS BUS RIDER LOOKING FOR A VIRGIN
Antonio Calcado, the Executive Vice President & Chief Operating Officer, announced plans to accelerate the replacement of the aging bus system. He noted a large number of complaints from members of the Rutgers community, with an order for a new fleet of buses being placed in response. However, with the COVID-19 pandemic, the order has been delayed indefinitely due to production and procurement issues, which will likely not be solved (unless RBS Supply Chain Majors are actually capable of finding work). In search of a stopgap solution, Calcado has reportedly made an unprecedented and shocking decision; sacrifice a vast majority of Rutgers buses in a brief series of demonic rituals in order to acquire better buses. The ceremonies are slated to
take place on Livingston Plaza on Halloween night at 11:00 PM, as the grounds will provide sufficient space for the ceremony to take place. Calcado, along with numerous staff members, will oversee the ritual. The old buses are to be positioned into a pentagram, with the LX buses parked in the center. The ritual will require 69 Fat Sandwiches from RUHungry,
22 electric Veo scooters, a pile of money equivalent to the amount the football team shelled out on grubhub, and one virgin of no particular sex/gender, who will likely be sourced from the Rutgers Engineering Program. If the sacrifice is successful, the souls of the old buses are expected to be ripped from their mortal Continued on Page 2
IMAGINE IF KING ACTUALLY WROTE SOMETHING NOT MID...
STEPHEN KING REWRITES POPULAR NOVELS TO MAKE THEM SPOOKIER BY ANIMALS AND CREATURES TYPED BY A PIG
Stephen King’s newest novel, AAAAAAAAAAA, (he claims every “A” stands for another word of a more complex, personal title) has been the hottest topic in the literary world. It is a compilation of the endings of various popular classics, but with twists: they are so, so spooky. The world-renowned horror author commented on his novel in a recent interview: “I am literally so old. I don’t care anymore. Every author is King; I am everywhere. They have artistic meaning and purpose if you just look deeper. You’d understand if you were in my wealthy, immortal shoes.” It contains ten total classics’ endings with their King-esque twists,
but the most controversial is that of his retelling of F. Scott Fitzerald’s highly regarded, The Great Gatsby. “It is a mashup of The Great Gatsby and The Great Pumpkin. Charlie Brown may or may not get beheaded by the green light,” King explains. Outcries against this twist have accused King of “defiling the
Great American Novel.” Another notable change he created in AAAAAAAAAAA’s version of Gatsby is in the iconic pool scene, where the novel’s namesake and main character is shot and murdered while swimming right outside of his own mansion. Continued on Page 2
Writing Mid AF Shit On News Since 1970
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