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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
October 20th, 2021
VOLUME CDXX ISSUE LXIX 69¢ PEANUTS, MORE LIKE DEEZ NUTS
JIMMY CARTER DISAPPOINTED ATTEMPT TO KILL ANOTHER LIVING PRESIDENT FAILS BY HARRY NUTTSACC HOPE YOU'RE NOT ALLERGIC
Jimmy Carter's latest attempt to whittle down the number of surviving U.S. presidents has failed as Bill Clinton returned home from the hospital on Sunday after being treated for a blood infection. Carter, who is currently the longest-living president in our history, has made clear attempts in the past to remove other living presidents from the running. The most recent attempt in this list ended with Clinton being hospitalized. Last Tuesday, Clinton was rushed to the hospital with a serious infection that many were concerned was COVID; thankfully, Clinton's health improved and he was returned to his home and his smoking-hot babe of a wife. This news, however, is unpleasant for the would-be assassin Carter. According to one of Carter's
appointed Secret Service agents, Carter laid in wait in a ghillie suit in the bushes outside of Clinton's home last Tuesday evening. As Clinton emerged to make a phone call to his new secretary (it is worth noting that he clearly has
a type), Carter allegedly used a blowgun to inject Clinton with an unknown bacteria. Whatever it was, it quickly put Clinton in the hospital. When the Secret Service agent was asked why they did not intervene, they said they wanted to give this win to Carter and that, Continued on Page 2
SOLIDARITY, MOTHERFUCKER
JOHN DEERE CEO WONDERS WHY STARVING WORKERS WON’T EAT CAKE BY MICHAEL C. HAWKE SLINGING COCK SINCE '99
With the COVID-19 pandemic bringing shifts not only to society but also to the economy at large, many people have begun to realize just how drastically fucked over they’ve been by major corporations for the past few decades. With many workers, primarily those in the service industry, quitting their jobs over low pay and terrible working conditions, the message has become more clear to the masses: the working man deserves far, far better. There couldn’t be a better example of this societal shift than the labor strike taking place at John Deere, one of the most prominent agricultural equipment
manufacturers in the US. The strike is a result of a contract dispute between John Deere’s unionized workforce and the company itself, as a recent vote on a new contract resulted in it being rejected by roughly 90% of John Deere’s workers. This is mainly due to
dissatisfaction with the measly increases associated with the new contract, such as a 5% increase of wages upon the contract’s passage. Furthermore, the company has seen record profits for the year, and, in addition, many workers have Continued on Page 2
Exploring Shit Pipes Since 1970
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