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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
October 19th, 2022
VOLUME CDXX ISSUE LXIX $420.69 MAN, I COULD GO FOR SOME CRAB CAKES RIGHT NOW
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1 BILLION SNOW CRABS GO ON SABBATICAL TO ATLANTIC OCEAN BY MICHAEL C. HAWKE CRAVING CRAB CAKES
On October 16th, scientists reported that hundreds of millions of snow crabs were missing from Alaskan waters. This confused scientists, since the cause was not overfishing. “We have to consider the following, are snow crabs just yassified crabs considering they are known as the queen crabs?” posited Bill Nye the Science Guythe next character to be added to Multiversus. We at The Medium decided to look where no other scientist would look and reached out to the Snow Crab community itself. What we learned shocked us: The missing crabs were located in the Atlantic Ocean. Now that we have figured out where they are, the question becomes why. To answer this, we sent our intern, Aaa Smalle Dee, to the Atlantic Ocean with a pocket knife
and a bootlegged copy of Iron Man 3 to reach out to the Snow Crab community to get answers. One snow crab that did not want to be named stated that he went to the Atlantic because “My wife just laid 100,000 eggs recently. I told her that we should give some up to adoption for the snow crabs that couldn’t lay eggs, but she was insistent that we raise them on our
own. Because of this, I decided to skip town and now am living my best life. I get to smoke cigarettes without her naggin', and get to drink as many white claws as I want!” Because of the Great Migration of Snow Crabs to the Atlantic Ocean, local business in the area has been booming. According Continued on Page 2
OOPS, I DID IT AGAAAAAAAIN!
JOYCE CAROL OATES SAYS "JK" REGARDING 'BLONDE' BOOK BY LEXA PREAUX STUCK IN AN LX FOR ETERNITY
The negative reception of Netflix’s recent feature film Blonde (2022), directed by Andrew Dominik, has led some to criticize the author of the novel used as source material, Joyce Carol Oates. Oates is known for Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been?, We Were the Mulvaneys, and being a certified comedian. Some critics suppose that Blonde (1999) suggests Monroe was a helpless, weak victim of circumstance and misogyny, some even claiming that this portrayal is contrary to accounts of those who personally knew her. Oates stands by her creative decisions, claiming, “All that graphic stuff where my girl,
Norma Jeane, is like a weak little flacid noodle, fluttering around with no voice for herself? I was totally kidding, like you guys just don’t get it. Like take a fucking joke forreal lol.” As much as she was horribly wronged and hurt time and time again during her incredible life,
Monroe was an activist, an advocate for civil rights, and an outspoken businesswoman who went on to start her own production company and pave her own path. That is why her portrayal in Blonde (1999) is “an absolutely goofy, silly kneeslapper,” Oates claims, “like she’s Continued on Page 2
Using This As Smoking Paper Since 1970
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