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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
January 29th, 2020
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RUTGERS BUILDS NEW COMMUTER LOT ON MARS THROBBIN WILLIAMS HORNY, HUNGRY
New Brunswick- In a response to an increase in off campus students and a growing demand in parking spaces Rutgers has elected to open a new lot: one that you’ll have to traverse the cosmos to get to. The new lot, dubbed “The Mars Lot” is rumored to be able to accommodate over 2,000 students and will only cost the university an estimated $10 billion. When questioned about whether this idea is a good use of university funds, president Robert Barchi showed his dedication to the plans with a firm response. “Rutgers is an institution that has always prided itself on being the first to innovate, and expanding our university to another planet is the biggest innovation of all. And if that innovation can also
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inconvenience the entire student body then so be it, because we’re also pretty good at that.” The Mars Lot will serve all five New Brunswick campuses along with Newark and Camden. Commuting students will need to drive to and park on the “Rutgers
Space Ferry” stationed out of the Garden State Shopping plaza and embark on the 300 day journey to the red planet. Once there, permit holders can park in any of the 2,000 spaces and get on one of the new additions to the Rutgers bus system. The “Rutgers Martian Continued on Page 2
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COMING THIS FALL “THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF THE AUSTRALIAN BUSHFIRES” RICHARD HERTZ I NEED TO SEE A DOCTOR
Australia- In a shocking and provocative move, the Television Network Bravo has announced that it will begin production on its newest show “The Real Housewives of the Australian Bushfires”. The program will follow a group of 6 female friends as they navigate the ins and outs of being modern women and mothers, while simultaneously being thrust into a life or death hellscape caused by the looming doom of Climate Change. The show is the Network’s last ditch hope to generate new viewership, and late-capitalist dystopia generates a lot of clicks. As the situation continues to escalate down undah, Bravo housewife wrangler Andy Cohen
refuses to resort to put his health in jeopardy and he has refused to work on the program. In place of participating in the program, in an incredibly controversial move, Cohen has announced his Hawaiin vacation with Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison. In
exchange, the Network is getting famed Aussie Margot Robbie to curate the show. The first half of each episode teaches the viewer life saving survival skills, while the second half features the catty drama their viewership has come Continued on Page 2
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