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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume xliii Issue VI
october 17th, 2012
PUMPKIN PI
ANCIENT FRATERNITY COUNCILS PLAN FOR HALLOWEEN
PANHELLENIC ELDERS CONSULT THE GODS The senior-most members of the ancient order ask the all-mighty for important guidance from above.
Rutgers Basketball team excited to play with full RAC
Rutgers Cannibal Society Now Down to 2.5 Members Domino's to Experiment with Fall Flavors
Featured combinations include Pumpkin Spice, Apple Cijors and the 7 am labs. But far be meeting featured the brothers der and Cranberry Pizza. if from me to question the choic- ingesting copious amounts of es of the gods.” Keystone Light and using high- Marching band Peterson, Moran and doz- lighters to draw their visions on member hides ens of other brothers have at- the T-shirts of female students. tempted to divine an answer “They just came out as scrib- virginity in tuba with little success. One such Continued on Page 2
MAMA SAID KNOCK YOU OUT BEFORE BED
Rutgers Pillow-Fighting Club to Address Skyrocketing Head Injuries BY PROBABLY DRUNK STAFF WRITER
Amidst the NFL's campaign to create a safer sporting environment for its players, less popular sports are also making great strides to improve player safety. Rutgers Athletic Department liaison Matt Firts released a statement to the press to calm the nerves of many students who have growing concerns over the safety of the university's new Pillow-Fighting club. "Sixteen students suffered head trauma resulting from the club's last meeting alone, many speculating that the wine coolers provided by the training staff are infused with performanceenhancing spirit boosters." One initiative already taken
QUICKIES
Going into a season of high expectations, members of the men's basketball team are eager to see a full RAC and have the opportunity to score quickly and frequently. For the female players, as with most women atheletes, they will likely all have a very small RAC.
BY CASTLETON SNOB EDITOR IN CHIEF
COLLEGE AVE—As the end of October draws closer, the basements of Union Street have been the homes to frat councils dealing with the issue of a Wednesday Halloween. “It has been many moons since Halloween has fallen in the middle of the week,” explained Delta Chi president, Mark “Lefty” Peterson. “Do we drink on the weekend before or after Wednesday? What about the actual day of Halloween? The ancient scrolls offer little guidance.” Peterson and other members of the council have been meeting every night in October, working tirelessly on how to accommodate midterms and differing schedules with the holiday of drinking and revelry. “If only Zeus had given us a Friday. Or even a Thurday,” said Kappa Sigma member David “Onyx” Moran. “Now we must consider all the liberal arts ma-
75¢
John Gruden secretly plotting to kill the other Mon-
day Night Football announcers
With his thinning mushroom haircut and his creepy fucking grin, Gruden assured the nation that "Their time is running out..." and "... it's John Gruden's time to shine"
to reduce player injury is the introduction of cotton-filled pillows, as the formerly-used down feathers were often puncturing through their cases and entering participants' eyeballs. Spokesman Matt Firts has introduced a new measure which will require the league to fund research for protective
headgear not unlike that worn by the NHL's athletes. Rutgers Pillow-Fighting Club President Dana Smeltzer expresses optimism over the probability of achieving these goals: "While funding for our prestigious organization is limited, we've requested a re-appor-
Hippo Butts
ESTABLISHED 1970
For final episode of "No Reservations," Anthony Bourdain confirms he will eat Guy Fieri Travel channel also confirms that the meal will be served with a small cup of Prilosec OTC and and bottle of hair gel, which will really help bring out Guy's flavor.