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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
September 28th, 2022
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EDWARD SNOWDEN CONSCRIPTED INTO RUSSIAN MILTARY FOR UKRANIAN OFFENSIVE BY MICHAEL C. HAWKE BLOWING "WHISTLES"
As the Russian Federation under President Vladimir Putin wages bloody war against the nation of Ukraine, it has recently made the call to partially conscript 300,000 additional troops for the offensive, all of whom are required to have prior military experience. Of these 300,000 troops, one, in particular, has stuck out to the West: an American by the name of Edward Joseph Snowden. The way how he ended up in the matter is, to some, not much of a surprise, as Snowden, who had fled to the (formerly) Eastern European nation after being caught by the American government for leaking highly classified information from the National Surveillance Agency, recently became a Russian citizen on September 26th on behalf of President Putin himself. While the reasoning for this move may seem
to be have done as a political gesture against the United States, in reality, many political experts and pundits have arrived to the conclusion that since Snowden had formerly been in the United States military, Putin saw him as a valuable asset to have in Russia’s own dwindling forces. By making him a citizen, Putin, ergo, would simply be able to recruit him without much trouble.
Upon gaining his citizenship, Snowden was reportedly handed a Russian military uniform, and an AK-47 along with his papers, and immediately sent to a camp for training. It was here that we were able to hold a brief interview with the new Russian citizen. When we asked him about his opinion on Continued on Page 2
DADDY HOLLOWAY, PLEASE MAKE ME NOT BROKE
JONATHAN HOLLOWAY COMMITS TO LOWERING TUITION BY HARRY COX BROKE AF FROM TUITION
In a recent speech, Rutgers President Jonathan Holloway has announced that making college more affordable is a top priority of his, but that first, he would like to “take a crack at the Israeli-Palestine conflict”. Holloway has received past criticism for the increase in Rutgers tuition and general misuse of Rutgers funds while he has served as President, including several scandals involving funding for the Rutgers football team being misused on unrelated expenditures. Responding to criticism, Holloway has stated that he is fully committed to resolving these problems, but while pointing to a map of Jerusalem, stated that “first, someone really needs to
figure this one out”. Describing the nearly 80 year old Middle Eastern conflict as a "pet project" of his, he has confirmed that it is now his main focus, and that once he “gets to the bottom of this one”, he will get right to the issue of Rutgers finances. Pressed on his stance on the issue, President Holloway
stated that he personally believes in a “three state solution” but has not made up his mind yet. President Holloway offered no time frame for how long it will take, instead saying that he could be done “pretty soon” but it really depends on “how much reading there Continued on Page 2
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