This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.
*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
March 1st, 2023
VOLUME CDXX ISSUE LXIX $420.69 *SNORTING SOUNDS*
QUICKIES
This Paper Boring Ahh Hell, Lemme Watch Family BY LEXA PREAUX Guy DROOLING OVER COCAINE BEAR Released February 24th, God I Hope Cocaine Bear has been met with much audience praise due to its This Strike shocking comedy and ridiculous Goes Through premise. On paper, it looks like a win for director Elizabeth Banks. I Need A On the other hand, the blockbuster has proven to be more of a painful Fucking Break reminder of tragedy for some. The movie mauling theaters today is no Next Week: true story, but no work of complete The Medium To fiction either. The true story of the “Cocaine Bear” begins with a case Interview Lil Nas X of cocaine being tossed from a and rampageous while on cocaine. same forest where this tragedy plane into the forest and ends, at Relatives of “Cocaine Bear” struck, alleges that terms originally This Is least for the bear, with an overdose, recently spoke to the press and stated that the death of his brother the high of a lifetime, and a quick announced their plans to take legal would be honored with accuracy Biden's America death. The original story is known action. The family claims the film and would take the form of a for the crime behind the alleged portrays something far beyond biopic. Instead, what was released *Insert Long cocaine-smuggling pilots as well anything they had agreed to when was a “disgusting mockery of Ass Quickie as the ridiculous circumstance of they sold their late family member’s addiction and substance abuse.” a bear coming across cocaine, but story to Universal Pictures. Freddy, Freddy shed more light on the dark Here* the movie reflects a much more brother of the “cocaine bear” and past of the “cocaine bear,” detailing comedic telling of a bear enraged woodland creature native to the Local Woman's Continued on Page 2 Life Changes YOU KNOW, JAMES CAMERON, EXPLORER OF THE SEA After Seeing Fruit Sensory Video He Valid AF For That BY MICHELLE C. HAWKE FR WATCHING AVATAR ON REPEAT It’s Just Jack. With the release of Avatar: The Way of Water earlier this year From Jack In breaking a multitude of box office records (with many of records in The Box. question having also been earned by the film’s director, James (Disclaimer: Cameron), curious moviegoers This Is Not An are only left to wonder: How has the famed Canadian managed to three years, a daunting feat for any at the scene, Cameron hastily Advertisement) consistently produce such high ordinary director in the industry. declined to answer, immediately quality material within the past Recently though, an answer to leaving alongside his apparent Local Man few decades (on top of other these elusive questions may have double. Following the incident, the achievements, such as reaching finally arisen due to a series of film director has scarcely been seen Has Beef With the lowest point of the Challenger short videos released on social in public, only being spotted on Deep), and how has he continued media three months ago, showing site of filming for Avatar 3, and has Strawberry, to find the motivation to persist the 68-year old film veteran in a persisted in avoiding any questions at such an outstanding pace. The bloody physical confrontation with related to the aforementioned fight. Citing, "Unholy acclaimed filmmaker is expected someone who appeared to be an Since then, a vast number of Amount of to be directing two more Avatar exact copy of him. When questioned Continued on Page 2 movies within the span of a mere Seeds"
FAMILY MEMBER OF THE “COCAINE BEAR” SPEAKS OUT
JAMES CAMERON REPORTEDLY IN COLD WAR WITH JAMES CAMERON
Snorting White Powder Since 1970