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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
February 15th, 2023
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Fun Fact: Capybaras Make Sweet, Sweet Love BY LEXA PREAUX In The Water SCRATCHING AND SNIFFING It is the season of love, and Are Women so, mass-produced and heavily branded Valentines have been Allowed to be waiting idly on the shelves since Happy?: A Deep December to be whisked away last minute for classroom parties Dive and other vibrant hotspots for the common cold. The novelties of Next Week: Valentines is what sets them apart The Medium To and awards any eager third grader playground cred– whether that Interview Lil Nas X novelty be toys, erasers, or the least nauseating candy. This Is Another popular asset of was actually the unmistakable and received a Valentine and began Biden's these Valentines is a scratch and sniff overwhelming smell of the most going on about how he missed the painful nostalgia. simpler days before responsibilities component, often being doused America with the stench of chocolate, fruit, One classroom in Nevada and societal pressures.” The mint, and the like. The innocent fun was left in disarray after the student in this instance reportedly Local Man Acts As of smelling a piece of cardboard recalled “Minions” Valentines described the scent as “the smell was rocked when one variation of were brought to an early class of a summer breeze and bikes on Himself, Doesn't “Minions” Valentines was wrought Valentine’s Day party. The teacher fresh asphalt in the cul-de-sac.” At Get Rejected with manufacturing errors. What commented anonymously after another classroom in Ohio, some was supposed to be a sweet banana the incident: “I knew something students broke out into pathetic Birds Fans scent when scratched and sniffed was wrong when one student Continued on Page 2 Heartbroken OH, WI-FI-SENSEI! After Eagles Loss
RECALLED SCRATCH AND SNIFF VALENTINES SEND CLASSROOMS INTO FRENZIES
LOCAL STUDENT FALLS IN LOVE RUTGERS WI-FI
BY MICHELLE C. HAWKE IN LOVE WITH THE HIGH PING
With Valentine’s Day around the corner, love filling the air, flowers being purchased in obscene quantities, and reports of STD rates flying through the roof once more, rumors have spread of a couple students on campus that have, for a variety of reasons, grown attracted to the college wi-fi. Some experts have suggested that it is a form of objectum-sexuality towards wireless internet with a still unexplained origin. Furthermore the attraction in question is, at least so far, only known to be present in Rutgers-New Brunswick, with at least two recorded cases, the first arising from a rather questionable case of public indecency on Busch. [Hey? Hey, what are you doing, I’m
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Gordon Ramsay Releases New Lube Called 'Lamb Sauce' Cockfights, But With Chickens This Time! working on this paper, you can’t be there for me i love this wifi so Good Soup. just come in here and interrupt my fucking much you have no fucking I HOPE work! Are you fucking cra-] idea look I don't care how flawed the [No, you’re absolutely right, I really wireless internet is i don't care don’t have any fucking idea. How Y'ALL BREAK how often it has failed me in my the fuck can you be attracted to-] UP!!! [Said in numerous valorant matches i don’t SHUT UP IT IS THE MOST care if it fails on me in the middle BEAUTIFUL THING TO HAVE a Valley Girl of my finals I know it will always Continued on Page 2 voice] </3 Swiping On Tinder Since 1970