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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
February 1st, 2023
VOLUME CDXX ISSUE LXIX $420.69 MUMMY! MUMMY! MUMMY! MUMMY! MUMMY! MUMMY! MAMA! MAMA! MAMA!
A MODERN MEDIA RENAISSANCE: THE RESURGENCE OF “FAMILY GUY” BY LEXA PREAUX AT THE CLAM!
It’s clear on virtually every social media platform that everyone wants to be a Family Guy. The crazy antics of the beloved characters Peter, Lois, Stewie, Brian, Meg, Chris, and, of course, Quagmire, have become plastered across Instagram, TikTok, Twitter, and the like. Naturally, questions have arisen: why Family Guy? Why now? Insiders believe people are trying to maintain a sense of normalcy in the face of a rising “new normal.” It’s no surprise that the Covid-19 pandemic has caused ripples and rifts across the globe. Since the onset of the outbreak, from the first boom of mass quarantine, many have sought out any sign of light with which to hold on to and to cope through trying times. The familial unit, comic relief, and almost anything that mimics
normalcy– are a reality even better than what was “normal” used to be to many. Trend cycles in family media and current events have become more rapid in these trying times, with a growing emphasis on comedy and the satirization of family and news. Experts claim the phenomenon of teenagers clamoring for adult comedies of the early aughts is the zoomer
equivalent of the yearning people born in 1999 felt for the simpler life of 90s culture. This storm of changing trends and the social significance of media consumption is the perfect tipping of dominoes to hold up a show that echoes an all too powerful truth, just in the opening sequence: “It seems today that all you see is violence in Continued on Page 2
THIS MAKES THE WIZARD 101 THING AWKWARD...
WAR DECLARED ON ALL WIZARDS IN UNITED STATES BY BARN ANIMAL SMOKING AMERICAN SPIRITS
Wizards have been appearing throughout the nation in waves. Their tendency to cast spells at will and roam from tower to tower has caught the public eye, causing many common folk to be critical and, in some cases, hostile to the group. They lack social security numbers, and their methods of procreation seem to consist of random spawning, with a heavy reliance on immortality. Recently, a large wizard with a pipe in his mouth ran for office in Virginia, under a party named the “Big Starry Magical Pointy Cool Blue Hat Party”. Protests exploded across the nation as he was witnessed casting a spell with big glowing magical sparks
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Congressman George Santos Joins Season 16 of RuPaul’s Drag Race when he lost, causing the entire state to lose power for 12 hours. Common signs and slogans: "WIZARDS OPPRESS HUMANITY" “GO BACK TO THE SHIRE” “HAT, CLOAK, WAND = NO SERVICE” In contrast, supporters are vocal,
donning sparkly blue hats or big gray cloaks with long, fake beards. Many use chopsticks or canes to imitate wands or staffs in public. An inside source stated, “They are so cool. Let them into Walmart like the rest of us! If I could cast spells, I’d burn everything.” After this, he Continued on Page 2
THIS PAPER BORING AH HELL Since 1970
Somebody Please Play Fortnite With Me Republicans Outraged At Lack of Outrage