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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
December 7th, 2022
VOLUME CDXX ISSUE LXIX $420.69 SOON TO BE REPLACING THE DISCUS THROW IN THE OLYMPICS
VIRAL “THROW AN ELDER CHALLENGE” HAS MANY QUESTIONING SOCIAL MEDIA ETHICS BY LEXA PREAUX YEETING AN OLD MAN
This past week, popular social media influencer BlakeBoy69 posted a video to his TikTok account where he showed himself picking up his grandfather, tossing him about 3 feet in the air, and successfully catching him. The video amassed over 1.2 million views in under 48 hours. It was then that Mr. Boy69 coined the term “Throw an Elder Challenge.” Thousands of his dedicated fans began to follow suit and started posting their own versions of the challenge. Disaster struck when BlakeBoy69 accepted a multimillion dollar deal with Advance Auto Parts that would allow each party to profit off of the “Advance Auto Parts Throw an Elder Challenge.” Elder throwing casualties have been sparse, but they met an all-time high when a selfproclaimed BlakeBoyBoy (what
BlakeBoy69 calls his fans) broke into a Ohio nursing home and began begging elders to let him throw them. Eyewitnesses recounted the events and stated that in his tirade, the BlakeBoyBoy pleaded, “Don’t you wanna let me throw you? I’ll toss you real high, you’ll go weeeee. You need this. Do you wanna be famous? Wanna be fucking incredible?” Three elders
volunteered, and they seemed quite enthusiastic about being thrown in the air in the name of BlakeBoy69. Unfortunately, the BlakeBoyBoy involved is allegedly “weak like a flaccid noodle,” according to police. His poor technique rendered multiple hairline fractures and inflamed joints in himself and the elders involved. The man was Continued on Page 2
NUMBERS ACCORDING TO LEO: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16...
"TITANIC" TURNS 25 THIS MONTH, LEO DICAPRIO STARTS PETITION TO BAN MOVIE BY KRANGIS MCBASKETBALL BETTER THAN CURRY
“Date me like one of your French girlfriends” or however the fuck the line goes. After digging his nose to the ground for years chasing Academy Awards and Golden Globes, which he eventually did by showing us his Hugh Glass, he dug his nose up youthful women. From Bridget Hall in 1998 to Gigi Hadid in 2022, Romeo flowed his mojo around Hollywood for 2.5 decades looking to (Montague) mount a cutie. December 19, 1997 marks the day that James Cameron’s Titanic was released and theaters were full of people waiting to see Cameron’s dick and DiCaprio on the same screen. However, this isn’t something Leo would want to stick his ship up into. Leo himself
now wants to take every copy of the film to the same damn iceberg that did the opposite of sinking his career down the drain. For those who don’t remember that y = mx + b, 2022 - 1997 = 25. And for a certain someone, a quarter’s worth in years is enough for him to make like a Subway Surfers protagonist
and GTFO’ing. With the date of the film’s next birthday coming faster than Leo himself, he wants it gone before the public catches him with a major. Now there’s no secret that he enjoys getting cooties from cuties, but it seems he truly Continued on Page 2
Chucking Old People For Sport Since 1970
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