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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
November 2nd, 2022
VOLUME CDXX ISSUE LXIX $420.69 NEW POLICY: NO WALNUTS, CASHEWS, PEANUTS ALLOWED ON CAMPUS
NEW NO NUT NOVEMBER INITIATIVES INTRODUCED BY PRESIDENT HOLLOWAY BY MR. B. AITER WEARING A CHASTITY CAGE
Past rumors of STI breakouts happening in the university, as well as a 2017 study claiming it as the 2nd most sexually active college in the country, have earned Rutgers the unofficial label: “Slutgers.” This has frustrated members of the administration, particularly President Jonathan Holloway. In order to curb the use of this label, with the start of November, Holloway has announced No Nut November Initiatives to take place throughout the month, in order to persuade the student body to be less promiscuous. These initiatives include raffle tickets for scholarships ranging from $500 to $2,000 (depending on how long a student lasts), and school swag that says, “Say NO To Nut!” An additional sponsorship from MindGeek has made it so that students who last all 30 days
are rewarded with a full year’s Pornhub Premium subscription. Although many students are excited for the challenge, and that the university is finally spotlighting virgin losers, some feel left out. Mike Stupidfuckingname, an RBS student, said that “Wolf of Wall Street told me that I need to jerk off at least twice a day… and with the recession happening, the stress has
made me double those numbers.” A student in Computer Science said that, “I don’t get any play, but it’s still personally impossible. Everytime I complete a coding assignment, the satisfaction causes me to involuntarily orgasm.” Most seemed pleased, however, with a Communications major revealing that it would finally bring difficulty Continued on Page 2
WE'RE BEING 100% COMPLETELY SERIOUS HERE, FOLKS
HALLOWEEN HAS PASSED BUT THE NEED FOR BLOOD REMAINS BY ARI GOTTESMAN PERSONALS EDITOR
(At the end of this article you can find a QR code to sign up for a blood drive at the Livingston Student Center from 11:30 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. on Monday, November 7th! All registered donors will receive snacks and a Rutgers Cinema ticket.) On October 21st, New Jersey Blood Services announced that we’re in a blood emergency as supplies of donated blood have run low across the state and many parts of the country. This is the fifth such emergency that has been announced since the start of the year. But what is blood? Most people will tell you it’s the spookiest liquid. How often has a scary story or haunted house
revolved around that unsettling scarlet syrup? Yet as the season of scares winds down, it’s important to remember that blood isn’t just a trope used by bad horror authors to tell you what you’re reading is “actually scary for real." It’s actually a vital resource our body uses to keep us alive. We at The Medium
were just as shocked as you to learn that blood is a real thing. Not only that, apparently we all have it. Even Craig. But if we all have blood, why do we need to donate? Some people don’t have enough. In fact, 1 in 3 people will need a blood transfusion at some point in their Continued on Page 2
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