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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
October 5th, 2022
: The Medium : themediumru : TheMediumRU
SPOOKY SCARY SKELETONS SEND SHIVERS TO STUDENTS
ALL SCHOOLS TO BE MOVE INTO HAUNTED WOODS, SAYS SECRETARY OF EDUCATION SAYSAYSIHAUNTED SHACK IN BY LEXA PREAUX
THEY MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE DIED
At a recent press conference, New Jersey Secretary of Education, Brian Bridges, announced a plan that seeks to boost standardized test scores and cut down on spending in public schools. Beginning in September of 2023, all K-12 public schools will be moved into a single slightly haunted abandoned shack in the woods. The remaining empty school facilities will be used as Amazon warehouses. Bridges states that this drastic change in the setting of schools will “boost morale in each student as they are forced to confront the damning shadows of the pines, eerie floorboard creaks, and ultimately the fear of the unknown.” In recent years, New Jersey schools have faced extensive budget cuts and the clear public opinion is that cutting the arts only ruins the quality of
education provided. Bridges claims that Woods Shack School Plan addresses the issue of budget cuts by reforming the state of public school facilities across New Jersey, rather than cutting programming in schools. Similarly, with declining standardized test scores in the
wake of COVID-19, New Jersey educators have expressed a lack of confidence in the reworking of the curriculum and have been calling for more innovative approaches to improve test scores. Although the plan has not been well received, Bridges insists that dread and the Continued on Page 2
SEBASTIAN STAN YOU ARE SO HOT PLEASE VISIT I WILL DO ANYTHING
SEBASTIAN STAN SIGHTED AT THE MEDIUM PRODUCTION ROOM BY RU_SEBASTIANSTAN FAN OF RUTGERS' GREATEST EXPORT
As many of you may know, Rutgers has numerous famous celebrity alumni, including renowned poet Robert Pinsky and microbiologist Selman Waksman. (And yes, I did only name those two because they are in fact the only Rutgers alumni (celebrity and non-celebrity alike) that had interesting names when I looked up famous Rutgers alumni.) I know nothing about the history of this school and I’d like to keep it that way. However, there is one major celebrity alum that every Rutgers student should know about: Sebastian Stan. He’s killing all the ladies, pow pow pow pow pow. Recently, Mr. Bucky Barnes was sighted around campus,
doing Seb things. Most notably, he was caught on camera going over to The Medium’s Production Room. We asked an on-site source who looked suspiciously like the deceased Kira Amethyst to tell us all about Mr. Stan’s adventures in said Production Room: “He was hunky, he was steamy, he was
sticky (after our adventures), he was everything and anything a woman wants in a man… he was just raw and unadulterated Seb.” Someone who was outside of the room at the time claims that they heard a deep and sexy male voice moaning, “Omg, you’re so hot for Continued on Page 2
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