December 2, 2015 Issue

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December 2nd 2015

Volume XLX Issue XI 50¢ YOU CAN'T FIRE ME, I'M BULLETPROOF

LEGRAND STOPS BELIEVING! BY PAULIE VALENTINE EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

PISCATAWAY—In light of the recent dismissals of Athletic Director Julie Hermann and Head Football Coach Kyle Flood, as well as the fact that he’ll “never fucking walk again,” Knights football alumnus #52 Eric LeGrand has stopped believing. “I thought I’d be able to keep up hope through the expulsion of one of them, but both the shitty coach and the ineffective athletic director? Dammit man, I quit!” LeGrand moaned to reporters outside his home in Highland Park on Tuesday. “I’ve also been really depressed lately.” LeGrand, confined to a wheelchair since a tackle against Army fractured his C3 and C4 cervical vertebrae four years ago, had always been optimistic about the state of Rutgers football until now. He had been using his “issue” to corral fans

athletics. It also comes on the heels of reports that Flood’s keeps an often “too relaxed” atmosphere in the lockeroom, often walking around in his jockstrap and discussing banal subjects with players. This isn’t the first firing of both coach and athletic director. In 2013, when men’s basketball coach Mike Rice was dismissed for abusing students and calling them out for being the pussies they are, the university fired then-Athletic Director Tim Pernetti “for fun” alleges "DON'T STOP BELIEVIN'!" a source close to the Barchi LeGrand at a concert for his favorite band, Journey. Though the photographed administration. while still believing, his expression betrays that belief levels are visibly waning. Citing his highly publicized to “see through the bullshit” fuckers can’t sustain a lead symbolic contract with the and “make it about the team.” against Maryland, FUCKING Tampa Bay Buccaneers, his title He feels as though the team has MARYLAND!? I can’t believe I of “Most Influential Person of the come to a breaking point that didn’t give up sooner!” Year” by the Star-Ledger in 2012, national sympathy for his injury This fallout comes from and his Jimmy V Award form just can’t fix. reports of Hermann’s inability the ESPYs, LeGrand reiterated “I can’t move my legs, and to move her face enough to that his sacrifice should have I give you this team national articulate the words to improve made this team great. name recognition. And you Rutgers standing in Big Ten Continued on Page 2

SALES TO DIE FOR

Refugees Reconsider Migrating to USA after Witnessing Black Friday Violence BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS FATHER OF FIVE PUPS

NEW YORK CITY—The thousands of displaced Syrian refugees are reconsidering their intentions of seeking shelter in the United States after witnessing the violent and selfish display of consumerism that is Black Friday shopping. Many weary refugees familiar with the atrocities of war were reportedly horrified at the sight of Americans assaulting each other for on-sale goods, going as far as pushing young children over to obtain the discounted merchandise over two years old. Several boats full of refugees were found sailing away from our shores this weekend, with many of them citing a complete loss of faith in humanity.

Layal Assaf, a refugee from Damascus and mother of two children, told the press, “The street that I lived on was completely ravaged by

explosives and warring militias. But these complete lunatics from Ohio burned down a Best Buy because there weren’t enough Continued on Page 2

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