September 27, 2017 Issue

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september 27th, 2017

Volume LIV Issue III 50¢ GET FUCKING LIT

C a m p u s b a r s to o p e n earlier for depressed and disillusioned students

QUICKIES

Italians Never die, They just "Pasta" Away I don't NEW BRUNSWICK— Now that the school year is officially in Really care full swing, many students are How your already beginning to develop the dreaded seasonal depression Summer that tends to crop up this time of year. Many students start Went to feel the work and the extra curriculars start to pile down You can't on them and as more students Beat my take their first exams, they’ll soon realize how stupid they Dick better are and begin to feel inadequate I NEED HELP compared to that one student in Than me Local students enjoying their liqour at 10 AM their class nicknamed “the curve earlier and can expect to open to whatever no-name football destroyer”. To combat this, the at 8am beginning right before school we’re playing against You're not administration at our great midterms. This falls in-line with that morning. Crazy, LX school worked out a deal with the centuries old attitude that Many of the bars down here many of the local bar and club Rutgers students can’t wake in New Brunswick are ecstatic Drivers owners here in New Brunswick. up for an 8am class but we’ll to open earlier as this is sure Plan to They plan to gradually increase gladly get up at 7am to start Continued on Page 2 the times they open earlier and chugging beers before we lose Take their THE BEST KOREA Breaks all N o r t h K o r e a T h r e a t e n s t o At once D e c l a r e W a r i f i t D o e s n ’ t Our Quidditch Make Ratio Team at Theta Chai’s party. If Rutgers University and President Trump Officially are unable to comply with our Has more supreme leader’s demands, our nation will be forced to declare Wins war on the United States of America.” Than our The White House still has yet to respond to the statement, but Football Rutgers University president Robert Barchi ranted on Twitter Team early this morning at 5:23 am EST. In his tweets that he wrote nearly 30 minutes into Fox Beer Pong United States if it doesn’t make News’ “Fox and Friends,” Barchi To become ratio at Theta Chai’s party let loose a string of 8 tweets, including, “Pathetic Rocket Man Friday night. DEMOCRATIC PEOPLE’S An official According to the statement, Ri can’t even make ratio. Just throw REPUBLIC OF KOREA — Yong-ho said, “It is Marshal fives!!” and “Srat chicks don’t Last night at 10:43 pm EST, Kim Jong Un’s right to rip sick like short losers. And you [sic] Sport North Korea’s foreign minister MIKE HAWK PELVIS SAFETY OFFICER

caillou loves children

threated to declare war on the

bong hits and shotgun Millers

Continued on Page 2

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