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INSTA: @themediumRU
september 21th, 2016
Volume LII Issue II 50¢ INSIDE THIS ISSUE
SHOOTIN' BLANKS
iOS 10 UPDATE: WORLDWIDE VICTORY FOR GUN CONTROL
BY KEITH FRAISER LOCAL DETECTIVE
CUPERTINO, CA—Apple stunned the world this week with a new iOS update that converts all firearms into water guns. The long-awaited iOS 10 update brings many new and exciting features to iOS devices, as well as eliminating all future mass shootings, police killings, and accidents from unsafe firearm handling. “This is a great day in not only American history, but the history of the world. No longer will we have to worry about the safety of our children in schools,” said President Obama in a statement praising Apple for its monumental service to the safety of mankind. “This will eliminate the mass shooting epidemic we have in this country once and for all, and for that we have Apple to thank.” In addition to eliminating mass shootings, the new iOS
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update is a major victory in the fight against police brutality and senseless killings. American police officers are particularly upset about the new update. “I can’t believe our guns just disappeared,” says RUPD officer Colin Anderson. “Being able to carry a gun was the only reason
I signed up for this job. I feel like a fucking Frenchman.” While Anderson might be upset that he won't be able to shoot any minorities on campus, the rest of us can sleep soundly knowing that Steve Jobs is watching proudly over our newly gun-free America.
RAMPAAAAAAAAGE
Hillary Clinton Delivers Speech Day After Chemotherapy BY NOT JOE BIDEN NOT THE VICE PRESIDENT
CLEVELAND—After undergoing her first round of chemotherapy for her recently diagnosed non-Hodgkin's lymphoma (NHL), Hillary Clinton gave a composed, yet admittedly shaky speech. The former Secretary of State’s disheveled appearance startled the crowd, which had no prior knowledge of her recent diagnosis. Her supporters showed huge admiration for her returning to the campaign trail so quickly. Coughing and shaking at points in her speech, Clinton’s overall positive attitude made her supporters forget about her illness and refocus on her message. “This country is at a crossroads, and if my recent bout with illness has
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NOTHING WILL HOLD HER BACK Clinton doesn't look too hot; we would _all agree with that.
taught me anything, it is that we can overcome anything if we trust one another, support each other, and embrace each other’s unique differences,” said a
resolute Clinton, who managed to stop only thrice to cough up blood into a handkerchief during her speech.
MAKING IT FIT Since 1970
Apparently Jill Stein Came to Rutgers? Tolerance Now Apparently Way Too Much To Ask For Son Comes Out As Gay Using Invisible Ink iMessage Engineering Students Still Being Assholes About It More God Damn Bees Lena Dunham Running Out of Things to be Angry About Dick Edwards Retires, Cites Reason As RU Becoming A Coke School