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september 13th, 2017
Volume LIV Issue I 50¢ WHITE PEOPLE
WHITE PEOPLE EVERYWHERE F R A N T I C A L LY G E T R I D O F THEIR TIKI TORCHES MIKE HAWK PELVIS SAFETY OFFICER
QUICKIES
Kyle Flood Fucking Drowns I Should Never Have Voted For Donald Trump
CHARLOTTESVILLE— T h e summer in Charlottesville quickly turned tense as Nazi’s, the KKK, and white nationalists stormed the town in demonstration against the removal of a confederate statue of Robert E. Lee. The skin cancerprone group of people took to the streets with lit up Tiki torches to resemble old school angry mobs. "Tiki Brand is not associated in any way with the events that took place in Charlottesville and are deeply saddened and disappointed," the company said in a statement. "We do not support their message or the use of our products in this way." It is because of all this negative attention that white people everywhere feel to cleanse their backyards of their
It's Not IT'S TIME TO STOP Fucking Residents throwing away their Tiki torches Spooky Tiki torches as to not give other whatchamacallits. If people see people the wrong idea. We me with Tiki torches, the blacks Time asked Billy Bob, a local as to would get the wrong idea of why he was getting rid of his me.” torches. Billy was very confident in his Double “I don’t wanna be lumped decision and we watched him Check in with all them racists and Continued on Page 2 KKK and them white nationalYourself JINGLE BELLS Before You St. Peter’s University Hospital Double Wreck t o R i n g B e l l E v e r y T i m e a Yourself Child Dies Having patients, receive the best care and No Power safety we are able to provide,” chief physician Anita Farehar Sucks, All said. “To provide ourselves with a constant reminder of the You Can importance of our jobs, we have installed a massive chamber Do Is Text hall filled only with a single, hung, 20-ton bronze bell that and Drive will be rung for every child we lose under our care. The bell was specially designed to be Service heard from up to a mile away, so that any off-duty physicians Dogs Don't will be able to hear the bell. In their care. Hospital doctors and addition, the bell will be heard Give a Shit administrators held an emotion- from High Points Stadium, so NEW BRUNSWICK — As filled press conference early this that football fans will receive About You of next week, St. Peter’s morning announcing the new CAILLOU LOVES CHILDREN
University Hospital will ring a 20-ton church bell for every child that passes away under
a gentle reminder of how life initiative. provides us with both happiness “It is our civil duty to ensure Continued on Page 2 patients, especially child
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