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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
Volume xl Issue I
RESIDENT LIFE
FRESHMAN DOES LAUNDRY FOR FIRST TIME, LAST TIME BY E.C. BLOODN’GUTS NEWS EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK—What started as a simple step towards parental independence ended in Tide Fresh Scent sudsy tragedy, when washer # 3 in the Tinsley basement blew up, taking the operator’s life. 18-year-old Eileen Uhlik was the unfortunate victim; the first person to die while washing clothes since the now-infamous Maytag Disaster of ’78. Authorities arrived on the scene shortly after 8 pm Tuesday, describing the wreckage as “pathetic and filled with bubbles—like a rave sorta.” Because Uhlik dressed exclusively in Hollister and American Eagle, all of her clothes had long since been snatched off the floor. This is awesome for her former dorm-mates, but it’s pretty shitty for the would be heir of her clothing, Uhlik’s beloved niece, Nina. It was obvious from witnesses’ accounts that Uhlik was inexperienced in proper laundering techniques. “Horrified. I was absolutely horrified. She had mixed the colors AND the darks!” said freshman Dan Johnson. “I saw her put two scoops of detergent in, as well as nitroglycerin.” commented Geoff Irving, class of 2011. “Everyone knows you only need one scoop of detergent if you’re going to use nitroglycerin.” University officials, meanwhile, are reminding students to practice safe laundering techniques. Police gathered that she took a good five minutes to read the instructions on the machine, and then took another couple of minutes to scrutinize her container of Tide like “a confused mama’s girl monkey” according to fellow freshman Pat Mahoney. “The only good thing from all ‘dis,” said officer Ben Dover, “wuz ‘dat other than Uhlik, no one wuz hoit, and we really didn’t have to do any cleanup either because this flood of suds appears to have taken care of all the blood spatters! That’s real good, because I want to go home soon…maybe get a bagel on the way. I’d get a donut because, heh heh, I’m a cop, but my wife sez ‘dem bagels are healthier.”
50¢
September 9th, 2009 UNIVERSITY
RUEXPRESS NOW ACCEPTED AT LOCAL “POT SPOTS”
Students “pretty stoked” BY ABA SABABA NEWS EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK—The booming New Brunswick marijuana market has prompted traditional dealers to reform and expedite the way they do business. Working with the university, a small community of weed salesmen has decided to utilize the highly popular RUexpress program in order to ease the purchasing process for Rutgers students. According to President Richard McCormick, every dealer has undergone an extensive vetting process by a committee of tenured philosophy professors to ensure a quality selection of the “dankest in Brunswick” for the student population to enjoy. “Rutgers is committed to excellence,” posited McCormick in an official statement on Monday. “As such, the Board wholly believes that Rutgers students should smoke nothing less than the stickiest of the icky.” The process is simple – simply ask your local dormitory dealer if he/ she accepts RUexpress. Already, 60 percent of suppliers university-wide have signed up for the program. continued, “WEED,” page 2
GOING GREEN
ABOVE: Students enjoy the convenience of a speedy transaction Actual Advertisement
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