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RutgersMedium.com
September 16th 2015
Volume XLX Issue I 50¢ WELCOME TO THE RU SCREW
QUICKIES
FRESHMEN EXCITED TO ATTEND NEGLIGENT UNIVERSITY
Avril Levine Has a Live Album, Thank God
NEW BRUNSWICK- With students fresh out of high school and a University with a fresh, new tuition hike, the students of the Class of 2019 are fired up to spend the next four years at an institution that will ignore all of their concerns. In a long-standing tradition of providing young scholars with several obstacles to a healthy education, Rutgers Board of Governors has planned new projects and set new goals taking the student experience into great inconsideration. Move-In Day proved to be the first taste of what the life of a Scarlet Knight can be like. With many high class student residences being inaccessible until senior year, many students will enjoy concrete-walled dorms, equipped with a complete dearth of amenities. “We understand that to be a great student, you need a comfortable living space,” said Gregory Tinsely, director of Housing De-
Not Anymore Online Program is the Hardest E x a m a t R u tgers Study shows 1 out of 3 Meals at the Dining Hall h a v e a S t a ff W o r k e r s Tooth Inside
BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS MAGIC DOG EDITOR
ON THE BANKS Class of 2019 start their first and how they will wish it would be their last.
velopment for the University. “We understand that, but don’t really care. That’s why we have the majority of our students stay in dorms with no air conditioning and wall apparently so thin, you can hear people bang three doors down. And here’s the icing on the cake; we make absolutely sure that traffic is handled in the laziest method possible
on Move In Day, just so students make sure that we ignored every one of their concerns. Don’t like it? Live off-campus. Try it, I dare you.” Rutgers’ painstaking indifference has reached our new student athletes, as well. New red shirted freshman kicker, Continued on Page 2
TRAY HARD
Brower Trays on Strike
NEW BRUNSWICK- Thousands of students have started the fall semester, already bitterly disappointed to learn that there aren’t any trays in Brower Commons. Local sources report that the trays have been on strike, demanding higher living wages. “We’re fighting for 15,” said Tray Rice, a Rutgers alumnus himself, who is currently a Brower tray. “It’s total fucking bullshit. I spent four years here working on my human resources degree, and the only place that would hire me after graduation was Brower. Can you believe that? Anyways, we’re tired of carrying around shit food for a bunch of ungrateful assholes. $7.85 or whatever bullshit we get paid an hour hardly even
BY BENEDRYL CUREMYSNATCH LOCAL FIRE EXTINGUISHER
DEMANDING RIGHTS Tray Rice is the most outspoken of all the Brower trays.
pays the bills.” Brower commons has even attempted to accommodate the trays’ demands. However, while the working conditions have improved, the trays
are still unhappy, and demanding higher wages. “I don’t like the new conveyor belts. I wish they had put in some sort of elevator cleaning system instead,” Continued on Page A7
Extorting Barchi Since 1970
High School Classmate somehow had S e co n d C h i l d Virgin Basica l l y P u t t i n g all Hopes on Tinder U. O f fe r s Course on Bus Etiquette R U P A unironically holds 'Speed Friending' Session