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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
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September 16th, 2009
Volume xl Issue II
ROADS AND ROAD THINGS
ROUTE 18 CONSTRUCTION CREWS MAKE MINOR “BOO BOO” Will Have to Begin All Over Again
BY TORGO VAN PELT STAFF WRITER
BREW NUNSWICK—The firm hired to build on the Route 18 Freeway Renovation Project announced that a small mistake has occurred, and as a result, whatever progress that was made will have to be completely destroyed, and work must be started again from scratch. In a press conference on Friday, representatives from the construction company Obsessive, Compulsive, and Anal-Retentive, L.L.C., made the announcement that upon further inspection, the lanes on the newly constructed parts of the freeway were .367 inches shorter than the law requires. “We believe this mistake was made by converting the distances from standard to metric, to standard again, then back to metric, and finally to returning to standard,” said OCAR vice president Alain Compulsive. “Typical Construction Crews would just shrug off this error, but not us. We under-
OH NOES!
Unwitting motorists have no idea the danger they are in
stand this is a very large error in the big picture. Have you ever tried to turn into the passing lane before realizing there is a car in the other lane? If this happened in these smaller lanes, you would have 1/8 of a millisecond
Actual Advertisement - We gettin’ paid for this!
smaller reaction window to prevent an accident.” “Therefore,” stated CFO Suzanne Anal-Retentive, “we have no choice but to stop construction, tear up
continued, “HIGHWAY TO HELL,” page 2
Inside This Issue: Tinsley Social Group Ostracizes Yet Another Student
page 3b Sudan’s National Hope Reserves Running Low
page 4d
McDonalds Introduces New GBLT Burger
page 6a RUPD to Start Mugging Students if Crime Doesn’t Increase
page 7a
An Occasional Public Menace ESTABLISHED 1970
RESIDENT LIFE
RA Still Upset About Having to “Do That” BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER STAFF WRITER
NEW BRUNSWICK—Despite writing up two students for noise infractions, Tinsley Hall’s third floor RA Jennifer Brown still regrets “having to do that.” According to Brown, she was just doing her job and totally would have let it slide if it were not her duty night. Despite these claims of innocence, many residents on the floor still believe that Jen, (the name she told them to call her during the first floor meeting), is a back-stabbing, conniving, two-faced, cold-hearted, scheming, overzealous, and potentially psychotic bitch. “Dude, we were just chilling out having a good time with some girls when we heard a knock at the door. We turned down the music and asked who it is and she was all like ‘Hey! It’s Jen, can I talk with you?’ all nice and cute,” explains written up freshman Robert Quinn. After quickly shutting off the music and talking in hushed tones, the occupants of the room hid their beers behind their legs and furniture because they knew that RA’s cannot see alcohol when it is hidden in that manner. “I nearly puked, I was so scared,” said underage drinker, Geoff Irving. When Jen was finally let into the room, she immediately noticed a few things odd about the scene. She reported that she “saw there was some beer bottle caps on the floor as well as a girl vomiting into a trashcan while holding a half-finished bottle of Captain Morgan.” Jen then asked everyone to leave except for Rob and his roommate Zach. She then proceeded to go over the code of conduct with the two guys and formally wrote them up for the incident. “I just told them that I totally didn’t want to write anybody up and that I still wanted to be seen as a friend that they could come to in case they ever needed anything,” said Jen. “They both said they understood and were perfectly fine with this whole event. I think that they are two very nice guys and I think this is behind us now!” “Fucking bitch,” claims Rob. Zach added, “Yeah. Bitch.”