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INSTA: @themediumRU
October 7th 2015
Volume XLX Issue IV 50¢ BAD NEWS, BEARS!
BEAR SEEKING STUDENT FLESH CLAIMS TO BE SWEET AS HONEY
QUICKIES
RU Football: Black Shirts Matter!
BY PAULE VALENTINE SERIAL JERKER
PISCATAWAY, NJ—A 22year-old, 457-pound black bear (Ursus americanus), was spotted in the Rutgers Gardens on Tuesday morning. The male beast was looking for a student to attack. He journeyed from the Delaware Water Gap to the northern edge of Piscataway over the last two months. Coming off a pretty slow summer, the bear has made the trek to the Central New Jersey in the hopes of finding some fresher meat. “After the brutality of last summer,” said the bear, “a lot of hikers are staying away. It’s really a shame.” This decline is a pretty direct correlation to the brutal murder of two Rutgers students last April. Two RU GO outdoor members were killed when they allegedly tried to get naked and take selfies with a different bear. Both students were really made examples of by that bear. Very
THE RUIN OF THE BRUIN Human-ursine relations would be sympathetic if he were a polar bear, though.
brutal stuff! “Some of these kids have no respect anymore,” said the local bear. The couple's limbs were stuffed into their genitals and were hung up on the tree at the entrance of the path. “When I was that age, I killed quiet, with respect. You don’t touch the face. Now, these kids are going crazy."
This growing anxiety is not only localized to this region. The bears all over the state are dealing with the younger generations trying to send a message. Of the 32 New Jersey residents brutally mauled to death last year in the infamous “Summer of Blood 2k14”, thirteen were “classified as cruel and unusual” by local Continued on Page A7
AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE! OW OW OW!
Australia Sees Dramatic Rise in Water Gun-Related Crimes BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS NOSTALGIC ALCOHOLIC
MELBOURNE, AUS.— Tragedy strikes the nation of Australia once again as the number of civilian casualties rises dramatically due to water gun-armed assailants, according to some reports. The city of Melbourne was the victim of a devastating shooting involving hundreds of innocent civilians. While the shooter has not been identified yet, all reasonable explanations GETTING SO WET indicate that the shooter was The National Rifle Association points to glaring flaws in (water) gun control. diagnosed with a mental illness which caused his malevolence. fire arm control, these events kinds of dangerous weaponry, As the first of many obvious elucidate the fact that legislation Continued on Page A7 signs of Australia’s ineffective restricting civilian access to all
UNSAFE SEXING Since 1970
Governor Christie Forced to Return his New Fleece Sweater Seaside Residents Destroyed Boardwalk in Preparation for Hurricane Bernie Sanders Revealed to be Lovechild of Bert and Ernie Street Performer by Zimmerli still Waiting to be Recognized as Living Human