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April 20th, 2016
Volume LI Issue XI 50¢ BAD BOY BARCHI
B A R C H I T E L L S S T U D E N T B O DY: SHUT UP & DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS HAPPY TO BE WRONG
NEW BRUNSWICK—Days after announcing that United States President Obama would be the speaker for this year's University Commencement, Rutgers University President Robert Barchi sent out a video recording to the entire Rutgers community angrily affirming students, faculty, and staff to “shut up and don’t fuck this up for me!” The video file, which has a total run time of 34 minutes, includes Barchi sitting on his living room couch while furiously ranting about his efforts to get President Obama to speak to our University. “Two years. For two MOTHERFUCKING years, I’ve been kissing Obama’s ass just to get him to say one word. ‘Yes’,” said Barchi, taking a break to wipe sweat from his forehead.
“So for the love of god, do not be yourselves for one day. Just one day, have Rutgers pride but just don’t be Rutgers. Be like those preppy UPenn kids. Sit in your asses down, listen to the fucking
POTUS, and keep your damn “Honestly, it was super mouths shut.” uncomfortable, but I kind of Halfway through the video, wanted to keep watching,” Barchi spent seven minutes said SAS sophomore Samuel groaning and drinking several glasses of aged scotch. Continued on Page 2
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