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INSTA: @themediumRU
April 19th, 2017
Volume LIII Issue XI 50¢ MOVE ASIDE, PENN STATE
RUTGERS STARTS CULT FOR THE KIDS GRIND ALL GREEK LIFE INSIDER
NEW BRUNSWICK—In an effort to finally surpass Penn State in donations for Dance Marathon, RUDM organizers have decided to start the FTK Cult. This decision comes after The Medium produced a scathing article about how Rutgers, in its most successful year ever, could still only raise 10% of what Penn State can raise. Reports say that the FTK Cult is being advised by cult experts such as the Westboro Baptist Church. The cult will begin picketing in similar fashions as the Church except they will be shaming and protesting people who do not donate to their cause. The hopes are that this aggressive format will motivate others to donate. This type of
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GO BIG OR GO HOME The new Dance Marathon moto
guerrilla canning will include intense psychological torture to citizens that deny donating. The cult has been instructed to follow home those who deny donating and yell “ASS-HOLE,
ASS-HOLE” at them until they finally donate some amount of money. The cult has also said they would use force but what kind of force isn’t clear yet. Continued on Page 2
FUCK OFF, KAREN!
Cult Fakes Mass Suicide Just to Off One Member GOLDILOCKS CULT MEMBER
PISCATAWAY—A local cult was recently found alive and kicking Tuesday night following reports of a mass suicide at their Piscataway headquarters. The cult, the Third Rite, was found in their compound surrounding one dead member. When questioned, members were seen sighing in relief, and insisting that she had it coming. “Thank fucking God, she was so fucking annoying. She’d come to meetings and would just kill all of our ideas. Every single idea we would come up with, she’d just keep going and going until the idea was played out and cult cliche. We’ve been trying to get her to leave since our last doomsday scare. She
QUICKIES
Impatient Man Who Burnt His Tongue On Hot Pocket Must Now Live With His Sad Self Cult of Puppies Is The Only Cult I'll Recognize Satan Disappointed With All The Ugly People in Cults Dedicated To Him
just wouldn’t take a fucking hint,” said Brother Jedidiah. “We finally came up with a plan to fake our suicides, telling her we’d go to some new astral plane or some shit like that.”
“You know what the best part was? She fucking believed it! We couldn’t even say it without laughing. Like who
BEING A CULT Since 1970
Continued on Page 2
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