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INSTA: @themediumRU
april 12th, 2017
Volume LIII Issue X 50¢ AMERICA IS FUCKING GREAT
CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF AMERICA IS DOING JUST FINE GRIND ALL AMERICA'S CORRESPONDANT
WASHINGTON–According to multiple sources America is on the brink of falling apart. News reports explaining a shooting at an elementary school, a video of a man being forcibly removed from a United flight for no reason, and an attack on the Syrian government which may or may not start WWIII have been running rampant through television networks as well as Twitter. This is all fake news. The true news is that America is doing just fine! Other news reports detail how fine America is by focusing on stories like the return of Prison Break and Kylie Jenner finally getting her own show.
DOING GOOD Look how pumped that dude is!
The confusion of the American state can be seen throughout the nation. Tweets from Massachusetts to Hawaii have showed citizens expressing their fear and sadness in regards
to the state of the Union. This all however is unfounded. The reality of the Union is that everything is going great and no one should be worried at all! Continued on Page 2
OH DEAR GOD PRAY FOR HER
Girl Goes to Jewish Friend’s Passover Seder for The First Time and Had No Idea What She Was In For NIFTY KNITTER SECRETLY A JEW
PISCATAWAY—This past Monday sophomore Krissy Mansfield attended her Jewish friend Shoshana GoldmanSilverstein's Passover Seder on Monday night and boy did she not know what she was in for. "I expected it to be kind of like Easter, without the whole Jesus coming back to life part. I’m cultured, I know Jesus is Jewish. ", said Mansfield. Upon arriving at Shoshana’s house she witnessed the beginning of the festivities. The started the night with a glass of Manischewitz–which was a Godsend since for alcohol that
actually tastes good. Then the real pain started."They started reading from this little book for like a good two hours. I’m pretty
sure this holiday is sponsored by a literacy organization or something because there was SO MUCH READING," exclaimed
12-0
Since 1970
Continued on Page 2
QUICKIES
Shocking! Local Man Falls In Love With His 3rd Lesbian Breaking: Pope Finally Allows Children to Divorce Priests
Your Tube of Toothpaste Has At Least 4 Brushes In It Class Too Small To Go Without Acknowledge of Professor Frat Lemonade Oddly Not Spiked Enough Students Dread Bad Music and Too Many Clubs in Coming Spring on Brower Steps