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Volume XLVII Issue VII QUICKIES
April 9th, 2014
50¢
RUTGERS RES LIFE TO OFFER ONLINE-ONLY HOUSING BY CORRIDOR MAN EDITOR-IN-CHEIF
Double UU Bus Route Confused with W Bus Route Rutgers Offers Scholarships for Amish Pursuing Electrical Engineering New Brunswick Dealers to Accept Meal Swipes for Drugs Medium Runs Out of Space for this
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ— In response to a campus-wide shortage of housing for undergraduate students, Rutgers University will begin rolling out online-only housing for the 2014-2015 academic year. With on-campus opportunities for students running thin, the online option is designed to give undergraduates the residence hall experience using only a computer and internet connection. “Dorm.exe” began development early last year, hopes to provide users with a realistic campus housing experience, down to even the smallest details. Using emerging virtual reality technologies and horny, socially insecure avatars, students will be able to interact with one another and their college envi-
"HOW DO I ENABLE COOKIES" Students enjoy their online dorm rooms from a college computer lab.
ronment, just like any other oncampus student would. “I’m excited to move in, so to speak,” said incoming first year Lyle McDoogle. “We got to move our virtual stuff into
our virtual rooms early, and my roommate already caught me virtually masturbating on his virtual side of the room,” he continued. “This must be how Dad Continued on Page 2
WHY DOES FOX NEWS NOT HAVE FOXES?
Conservative Media Portrays Bill Cosby Like Every Other Black Man BY BONER ADVENTURE NEWS EDITOR
PHILADELPHIA, PA— Bill Cosby has gone from media darling to vilified felon in the wake of new sexual assault allegations. Five women have come forward accusing Cosby of sexual assault. Members of all major cable news stations agree that the transition was swift, but necessary. “It was about time,” said Chris Matthews of MSNBC. “Yeah, I even like the black people, I’m from Philly, but I have to side with Bill O'Reilly and those racist fucks on Fox. He’s been too good for too many years.” Cosby, who has been a model “negro” in the media and has years of photo and video supporting the “black people are accessible” cause. He has been the ideal spokesperson because he
The white propaganda relations company responsible for the great success of the “Cosby Program” is Americans for Prosperity funded by none other than the Koch Brothers. Spokesperson Janet Weathers explains the philosophy behind it. “We were able to use traditional vernacular like ‘boy’ to subconsciously repress and shame the Ni- …Oops! I mean African Americans.” This was a very successful project for the company along with “Project King.” “Project "WELL THE HALUBINGDODA " OJ” and “Project Vick” were The media has made it their longstanding mission to change the posi- both awful failures. tive image of Bill Cosby's sweater. “We had to make Rodney was able to say what the white was a popular phrase used by King to fix what happened in people had been thinking for Cosby to address the inner city the 80s,” said Weathers. “But years and help make the white ghettos. “Use a condom, stop 1994 was a bad year for us bebred term “systemic racism” getting girls pregnant with chil- cause OJ, Cosby kept us afloat.” popular. dren you can’t afford, boy” was The project that started in “Pull up your pants, boy” another popular saying. Continued on Page 2
No One Likes Kickball SInce 1970