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Volume XLVII Issue IX
April 23rd, 2014
STUDENTS ERECT TENTS FOR REASONS
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BY BONER ADVENTURE NEWS EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—“Tent State,” an event definitely organized for a really good and important cause, made its return to the campus this past Monday and will last until Friday when it closes with a giant event where the participants congratulate each other for the great work they did. “I’m so happy about how much we are changing the world,” said Cat Rogers, 20, from Bakersfield. She has been sleeping within Voorhees Mall since Monday. “It’s like about the government,” said Rogers when asked what cause she was supporting. “We definitely do things.” She then quickly ran off to recruit freshmen. Tent State has been “doing
White Kid Checks His Privilege; It's Still Awesome Now Fingerless Man Tries to Give Girl his Digits
"OUR PROTEST IS IN-TENTS" I'm gonna start my own protest! With Black Jack and Hookers!
things” since 2002 as a protest for a political/education “thingie.”
“It was harder back in the early years,” said Eli Brown, 38, Continued on Page 2
KID PRESIDENT
Chelsea Clinton’s Child to Run for President in 2052
"I like my men like I like my wine. 18 months old!" says Newark Philosophy Professor Ag Day to Feature Gross Horse Cock PIE TIME
What are you looking forward to for Rutgers Day?
BY BAKING UP TROUBLE MANAGING EDITOR
NEW YORK, NY—Chelsea Clinton, the daughter of former President Bill Clinton and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, announced her child’s candidacy for President of the United States soon after she revealed her pregnancy to the public. “I felt that there was no need to wait to declare my son or daughter’s candidacy for President as it is inevitable,” said Chelsea Clinton. “Some say it is a little premature—pun not intended—but with elections becoming more and more expensive these days, it makes sense to get started a few decades early.” The grandmother of the unborn child, Hillary Clinton, is seen as a clear frontrunner of the next presidential cycle in 2016.
Bring Back Rutgers Fest Scouting Potential Freshman Prey Free Food Her win in a few years could solidify a complete Clinton takeover of American politics in the future. Chelsea’s announcement
has fueled the Republican Party’s efforts to stay relevant and recruit their own candidate for 2052. The GOP believes its best Continued on Page 2
Housebreaking Pets SInce 1970
Seeing the Community Come Together and Show Off Their Rutgers Pride. Go RU Baby!! Whatever