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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume xli Issue xxiII
50¢
April 20th, 2011
HE'LL BANG YOU
PROCRASTERBATION
RUTGERS PR DEPT OUT TO LUNCH; HAS NOT COME BACK YET BY SUM DUM JOO NEWS EDITOR
CUBICLE HELL—With negative press at an all-time high for the University, the last thing Director of Public Relations Frank Kafka would expect from his staff is a “extremely excessive” lunch break. But, as of 6:00pm Tuesday evening, that is exactly what is happening. The staff, including PR specialists, secretaries, support personnel and even janitors, all promptly left at 12:30pm on Monday with the expressed intent of getting food before returning to the office. “Everything seemed fine Monday morning,” said Kafka. “That day was very normal. I was going over projects that had to be taken care of, such as tying up loose ends with the whole Snooki thing, our women’s loss in the Big East tournament, and coverage of all the other tragedies and mishaps the University has encountered over the 2010-
"Oh, toats, man. I downed at least a dozen. That was some good shit. What, some dudes got hurt? Well yah, I got a little fucked up too, not gonna lie. Hey, you look kind of pissed all of a sudden. Looks like you could use a shot yourself..."
KINDLE MY ASS
Barnes and Nobles decides to occupy entire Gateway Center
EMPTY CHAIRS AT EMPTY TABLES... Thankfully, their absence save the University money on Air-Conditioning. 2011 school year.” Kafka had reportedly moved onto the subject of the four separate shootings that occurred during the evening following Rutgersfest when PR specialist Jim Halburn looked
at his watch, commented on the time and suggested that everyone take a lunch break. “I suggested that we wait until the meeting adjourns to go lunch but [Halburn] muttered Continued on next page
JEEPERS CREEPERS!
Creepers' hopes rise with temperatures BY JOHNNY EVERHARD STAFF WRITER
BUSCH- With the weather in Jersey finally getting into more bearable temperatures, the Garden Sates’ local stalkers and creepers began popping out of their grandmother’s basements to get a glimpse of the best girls Jersey has to offer. As the weather gets warmer, the more curious they’ve become, even so much as to follow Rutgers athletics’ players. Recently the Rutgers softball team has had a run-in with one of Brunswick’s own Keith Lurker. He was first seen going to their home games and was eventually spotted walking behind the girls to their apartments. When asked about his recent activities Lurker angrily responded, “Can’t a guy get a fuckin autograph? I’ve called
Student claims to have taken "way more than four shots" at Rutgersfest
that outfielder’s house for weeks now but she has yet to get back to me.” And while the weather is indeed getting warmer, the school year was getting shorter, leading creepers to become increasingly aggressive. “We’re trying to make a quota here,” said creep Leroy Van Der Hoot, “at the end of every semester we gather at McCormick’s pub and brag about how many lovely ladies we’ve creeped on. Some of us even have a pot of money going on which girl we’ve creeped on was the hottest. We bring in pictures and whichever one we judge to be the hottest wins the pot. It’s a great way for us creeps to get together to share both the tales and tactics of the trade.” President McCormick, unhappy that his pub is getting negative publicity, has promised to put his best men up to
"It's just going to be books! 14 floors...of books! 9 stories of parking... for books! We'll fucking teach the books to drive so they can park! There's going to be books about books! So many motherfuckin books!" said city spokesman Bill Bray between stifled sobs, upon not being able to procure any other tenants for the new building.
AHOY!
Somali Pirates join lineup of Pittsburgh Pirates “We decided to take radical attempts to end the 18 year losing skid,” noted Manager Clint Hurdle. They’re off to a decent start so far, despite the fact that Left Fielder Jose Tabata is being held hostage for $3.5 million. stop them. “I’ve got my ace in the hole, Kenneth B. Cop, on the scene. How can we lose?” Emails have been sent out to all Rutgers students advising them to avoid “males ranging from 30 to 50, wearing ruffled clothes and sporting scruffy facial hair”.
Fuck Out-of-Towners ESTABLISHED 1970
HEALTHY
Smell in Easton gym improves after fart BRAAAAINS
Zombie FDR announces 2012 candidacy