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Volume XLVII Issue VIII
April 16th, 2014
50¢
YOGA PANTS MAKE CLASS HARDER
QUICKIES
BY THE BUS KID BUSINESS MANAGER
Pink Eye causes fart Cook student laying chicken eggs, now expecting mother Rutgers Financial Aid to be featured on TLC's "Extreme Cheapskates" VW Bug Punches You Little girl writes in her diary…ah
PISCATAWAY, NJ— Early Monday morning, engineering sophomore Rick Wang reported an uncontrollable erection. During a lecture of Elementary Differential Equations: Math & Physics, more commonly referred to as “Engineering Calc 4”, Mr. Wang had a sudden increase in blood flow to his genitals. While Mr. Wang tried his best to rid himself of the erection, his penis would not stand down. No matter how hard the engineering-hopeful tried to distract himself from his erection by taking furious amounts of notes or forcing himself to solve tough examples on the board, Mr. Wang could not overcome his penis. Reportedly, the sophomore began to use his textbook to cover his pubic area as the pro-
"BASEBALL, BASEBALL, BASEBALL ..." Rick Wang finds it difficult to concentrate in class with no blood going to his brain.
trusion of his erection began to overcome the restraints of his jeans and created a raised outline amongst his lower garments. However, the extra downward pressure only gave rise to an
even stiffer problem. Rick Wang was also unable to excuse himself to the restroom due to being located in the middle of the aisle. According to witness Amy Continued on Page 2
ITS A DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION
Dance Major Dies In Midterm BY FEARLESS GUSTER COPY EDITOR
DOUGLASS CAMPUS—A sophomore in the Mason Gross School of the Arts died Monday, during a presentation of a midterm assignment. The deceased, DuArt Allmen of Peniscola, Fla., was pursuing his degree in Contemporary Dance and was enrolled in the eponymous course. Alongside his dance partner and boyfriend, Kevin Booker, and four other classmates Allmen choreographed and performed a routine set to Michael Jackson's "Beat It", based off the acclaimed music video. Booker, through his tears, admitted to accidentally slashing his boyfriend's throat with the prop knife. He recalled cradling his dying partner as he bled out. "We only ever wanted to have fun and entertain the masses togeth-
the stage and call in the custodial staff before the clean floor was tarnished and stained with blood. Authorities have arrested her for interfering with the crime Bonnie Gronti, a student present at the incident, somberly expressed the sadness pervading the class. "We're all so upset. Like, we really miss him. Like, a lot! We're hurt by the loss and we're already choreographing a memorial tribute to him, set to his favorite song, 'Happy' by Pharrell Williams. Tickets go on sale Friday. My whole family is coming to see me." Parents of the bereaved could not be reached, as they were arranging funeral and "It Doesn't Matter Who's Wrong or Right" burial details. DuArt's closest Kevin Booker screams as he kneels over the body of DuArt Allmen uncle, Geromi Bozsworth, stat after he was stabbed during their dance to "Beat It". ed his regret for his nephew's death; expressed hope for Dupended all performances. Deer. We had dreams." Art's soul. "In death, he has a In response to this tragedy, partment head Marcy Denton more promising future than as a the Dance Department sus- moved swiftly to cordon off dance major."
Redefining Firm SInce 1970