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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
QUICKIES
Young man courageously saves friend from drunken hookup "I knew it was the right thing to do," said junior Mark Weinstein, about making the decision to get in the middle of an increasingly friendly exchange between friend Steven Grace and a super hot freshman.
Student who seized the day faces charges for brute force "The fact that it was a fresh new day is all the more reason that this is an insidious crime," said district judge Travis Francis. "It was such a nice day too, it never deserved to be manhandled in such a forceful way."
50¢
March 28th, 2012
Volume xliI Issue XXI
THE HEARTBREAK DICK
CHENEY RECEIVES FIFTH HEART TRANSPLANT
9-Year Old Girl on Recipient List "Honored" to Give Up Spot in Line BY THE KILLA WHALE & SUM DUM JOO STAFF ASSHOLES
FALLS CHURCH, VA—Former Vice President Dick Cheney received his fifth heart transplant last Saturday at the ripe, young age of 71 after 2nd-grader Kristy Phillips offered her spot in line to him. Phillips decided that despite being tormented by an enlarged heart, irregular heartbeat, and severe breathing troubles since birth, Cheney was a more valuable candidate for the transplant. "I haven't accomplished much in my life, but he has and still can. My daddy says one day when I finally graduate 2nd grade, I might be able to get one," said Phillips, laying in a hospital bed as her nurse changed her dialysis for the third time that day.
PUBIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
The former Vice President offered Phillips and her family free tickets to the National Rifle Association's Country Jam II on Friday, April 13; however, the young girl respectfully declined. "He doesn't need to do that," said Phillips, stopping to breath for three minutes. She continued, "Just...let...him...live. This is...my honor. I ask nothing." Cheney also acknowledged
Phillips' generosity by sending her a Build-a-Bear with an electronic beating heart. "If only humans could live off bear hearts," said Cheney. According to doctors, the heart will keep Cheney alive for at most four more years. "What he can do in four years, I could never do with an extra 40," said Phillips, hugging her bear.
NEWS IN PHOTOS
Brower staff assure that pubic Bike thieves support RUDOTS hair found in food just head hair bike expansion initiative BY DOOZ MCKLOY CONTRIBUTING WRITER
NEW BRUNSWICK—After SAS sophomore Matty Harrison attended Brower Commons last Thursday evening, he was shocked to discover a glob of public hair in his overcooked lasagna. Normally, Rutgers students can enjoy dried out chicken breasts, mushy fruit that appears ripe, and a general lack of anything palatable. Hours after the horrific encounter #BrowerPubes was trending on Twitter. “It was fucking nauseating,” Harrison reported. “I could tell they were pubes immediately from the odors and dried cum. It turned my meal from bad to worse. I bet if Livingston served pubic hair, it would actually taste good!” Captain Commons, Executive Operations Manager of
Brower Commons disagrees. “Well, ya see, all our employees are required to wear belts. Bathroom breaks are strictly prohibited. There’s no way any pubic hair could have escaped the crotches of our staff. Someone probably just forgot to trim their overgrown beard.” Captain, a community college dropout and former cocaine addict, was initiated as Operations Manager in 2007. Since then, surveys prove, the satisfaction ratings for Brower Commons have sharply declined. Freshman Steph Slutburg was disturbed. “I was so excited when I got into Rutgers, but I quickly learned to never expect SUPPORTING THE CAUSE much from Brower. Plates with Approximately 25 masked individuals gathered around the public safety crusty shit stuck to them and building in downtown New Brunswick to show their support for Jack Mobowls in the soup cauldrons are lenaar's new initiative to get more Rutgers students on bikes. Molenaar one thing, but fuck pubes! I’m says the university-wide initiative is expected to create new jobs for about Continued on Page 2
200 local bike thieves.
Prize Inside!!!
ESTABLISHED 1970