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Volume XLVII Issue V QUICKIES
March 12th, 2014
50¢
UNIVERSITY STRATEGIC PLAN:
MORE SWAG
BY CORRIDOR MAN EDITOR-IN-CHEIF
Stockholm Syndrom Causes Freshmen to Like Rutgers Condoleeza Follows in Footsteps of Mike, Ray Rice Russia Deploys Paratroopers, "It's Ukrainin' Men" Dangerously High Levels of Pumped Before Spring Break
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ-- After several months of revision and review, the Rutgers University Board of Governors unanimously approved a new five-year initiative for the institution. The University Strategic Plan, which originally called for better academic support services, improved infrastructures, and strengthened learning environments, has been scrapped in favor of a new plan: upping swag. University President Robert Barchi addressed the media in his new fitted snap-back to discuss the recent changes. “It’s all about attracting BARCHI CHILLIN' WITH MASTER BREWSKIS students of a new generation,” Barchi meeting with his executive council to talk business and bitches. Barchi said. “We want to be the our swag is consistently on a Professors will not be perswaggiest, swag factory for un- hunnid-thousand,” he said be- mitted to hold classes without dergraduates in the Northeast,” fore snapping a quick selfie be- proper swag. Faculty members he continued. “We want to cre- tween questions. Continued on Page 2 ate a baller environment where
WHAT ABOUT FIVES?
New Rutgers Business Course Teaches Frat Party Ratio Economics
point, he called in his secretary, a voluptuous redhead who laid on her makeup a bit too heavPISCATAWAY, NJ-- The Rutily that day. "Sugar buns, spin gers University Business School around would you? Doesn't has been expanding its course Astrid look just like that babe offerings to include more practifrom Mad Men?" he continued cal courses for the everyday stuhis lecturing. "Girls have differdent. These include classes on ent worth. Astrid over here is "Personal Finance", "Emerging an eight at the least. She is easCurrencies: Bitcoin", and "Womily worth two fours on her worst en in Commerce". These classes day in the Rutgers market. Take will be offered to all students for her to another school, a smaller the Fall 2014 semester and held school, and she'll be considered in the recently erected heada ten. It's a different market and quarters of the Business School. you've got an exchange rate. The course anticipated to "YES, THE ASS IS FAT" be the most popular of the new Students and faculty alike are excited for this revoluntionary classroom She's worth more elsewhere, but I have her here because she's offerings is "Women in Comexperience that will totally get everybody laid. merce", where the class will realize it. When I was an un- it could have been eight-to- nice to look at. Who knows? She learn the economics behind the dergrad here, my frat brothers one. We didn't know how many might appreciate in value over ratios here at Rutgers Universi- and I could never decide how chicks were at his disposal or time." Smacking her tight ass, ty. Professor Chaz Buono stated many girls to charge a guy for how many we would need later he exclaimed, "It's all about supply, demand, and the Invisible that "there has been a need for our parties. Sometimes, the rate in the night." To demonstrate his main- Hand!" a class such as this at Rutgers was three bitches, other nights for years and I am happy to Continued on Page A7 BY LEMONGRASS GOGULOPE COPY EDITOR
I <3 Porn Conventions SInce 1970