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Volume XLVII Issue IV QUICKIES
March 5th, 2014
50¢
VIGILANTE VOWS TO FIGHT CRIME BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS NEWS EDITOR
Look Inside to Find Meet the Medium and See our Eligible Bachelors Rastafarians Celebrate Hash Wednesday "Ukraine will be Putin its place," Says Russia White Girl Looks for Forever 21 in Voorhees Mall Student Expecting Snow Storm Regrets Drinking on a Sunday Night Americans Disgusted to Learn that 'Bronies' are Still a Thing White Guilts Helps to Win Oscar's Best Picture Wait, March is Women's History Month? Crowded Bus Becomes Accidental Orgy Dogs Unimpressed by Color Issue
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ — With the unapprehended murderer still on the loose, Rutgers University Police Department has received reports of a masked vigilante on the streets of New Brunswick. Calling himself Barchi Man, the unidentified crime fighter dons a Halloween mask and a peacoat to keep students safe from danger. Barchi Man began small with his crusade against crime, as many first reported seeing him issue parking tickets to students at Murray Hall. “I’m not really sure what just happened,” says Brett Hamilton. “The asshole gave me a $200 ticket and talked about how this was all a part of his ‘Master Plan.’ What does that even mean?” It seems to many students and faculty that Barchi Man is here to keep the University safe. However, many believe that
THE DARK SCARLET KNIGHT RISES Barchi Man is going to bring justice to all of the those jaywalkers.
he isn’t really going to do any- brought to President Robert Barthing about the violent crimes chi’s attention, he released the surrounding Rutgers. When Continued on Page 2 the arrival of this vigilante was
IT LOOKS AND TASTES LIKE PISS
Fraternities to Contruct Keystone Pipeline
BY EATON JEJEZ STAFF WRITER
FRAT ROW, NJ — A panel of the University's fraternities announced this weekend plans to construct a new Keystone Pipeline to deliver beer to the frat houses of the region. The venture, independent of the Office of Fraternity and Sorority Affairs (OFSA), has filed for construction permits and may receive funding as part of the University’s “Master Plan” for improvement. “Lets face it, kegs are heavy” said Judd McMahon, treasurer of the Beta Rho Omega fraternity, spearheading the project. “And we can’t make the pledges carry them anymore, because WE'VE STRUCK YELLOW GOLD that’s hazing or some shit.” But An artist's rendition of a pumping station for the Keystone Pipeline. it’s not just about alleviating the PSE&G has estimated the average weekly beer rates at $5/guys.
SUCK IT NERDS! SInce 1970
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