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March 23RD, 2016
Volume LI Issue VIII 50¢ SPRING BREAKING MY SOUL
STUDENT LIVES SPRING BREAK VICARIOUSLY THROUGH SNAPCHAT BY THE BUS KID EIC EIC BABY
PISCATAWAY—Last week, many Rutgers students spent Spring Break traveling the world, especially to fairer weather tropical destinations. However for Katy Dozer, the week consisted of her mainly staying in her Livingston apartment and going through her friends’ Snapchat stories. Dozer, a senior graduating with a degree in Evolutionary Anthropology this upcoming May, found herself strapped for cash this year and unable to afford any airfare back home to Ohio. All she could do is drop off her roommates at the airport for their Friday flight to Cancun and plan her week alone. In order to keep up her spirits, Dozer told herself she would make the most of her time off from school by spending it in a productive manner. Following uncharacteristically sunny
weather, her first plan was to work on her tan. However, Dozer found herself trapped inside her apartment due to rain and cooler temperatures. As Dozer watched her friends enjoy the sun and the sandy beaches across locations in the
Caribbean over Snapchat, she depressingly covered herself in several layers in order to stay warm while watching Friends and SVU reruns. Stranded and stuck inside, Dozer tried again to stay positive Continued on Page A7
A CHRISTMAS CRUZ
Ted Cruz Haunted By Ghost of Candidates Past BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS FREE FLOWING FUNK
HOUSTON, TX—This morning at 2:33 am, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz was awoken in his home in Houston, TX by the moaning of three specters of the campaigns of Bob Dole, Newt Gingrich, and Marco Rubio. Cruz was first lead by 1996 Republican nominee Bob Dole, who addressed himself as the Ghost of Candidacy Past. Cruz was shown a more innocent time in GOP history with Dole’s campaign against then-incumbent President Bill Clinton. Extending a bony finger from his robe, Dole pointed to the moment when he proposed to overturn the Supreme Courts decision to restrict states from banning abortion. Dole then bellowed in a chilling voice,
“Presidency will never be yours if your policies are from the past!” “Bah, humbug!” the shaken Cruz shouted at Dole to haunt him no longer, at which point, the Ghost of Candidacy Present,
Newt Gingrich, took the Texan Senator to 2012, where he saw the defeat of Gingrich to eventual Republican nominee Mitt Romney. Distraught, Cruz asked, “You can’t mean for this Continued on Page 2
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Shit Student Refreshed to Fail Midterm after Enjoyable Spring Break Ben Carson Discovers New Method of Anesthesia using his Voice Google Street View Denies having Nudes of your Exgirlfriend Stacey Greece Bets Future in EU March Madness Pool Trump Plans to Remove All Green Cards from Uno Set Rutgers Student Bullied by Teens during Visit to Old High School Group Tinder Dates Not Orgies?!?!?!?!