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INSTA: @themediumRU
FEBRUARY 8th, 2017
Volume LII Issue III 50¢ MAKE-A-DICK
TRUMP PRESIDENCY JUST ONE BIG MAKE-A-WISH PROJECT
BARBARA NOT-WALTERS RESIDENT JIHADIST
WASHINGTON, D.C.—As it turns out, America may not have to deal with a Trump presidency for much longer. According to the Make-A-Wish Foundation, Donald Trump’s role as current Commander-inChief is actually just a project by the foundation. Make-A-Wish Foundation was reportedly so pleased with the results of the Batkid wish, which granted a young boy in San Francisco his wish to fight villains as Batman, they decided to go for an even bigger project. The idea to allow Donald Trump to act as the President was the perfect new venture. However, reporters hear that the organization is now growing to regret their decision to grant Trump’s final wish. “First of all, he doesn’t even know that he is part of a Make-A-Wish project. All of us,
TRUMP MAKES A WISH An exclusive preview of the new advertisment to be run by the foundation
Melania included, decided it would be best to not tell Trump. That way, everything would feel more authentic. But he is the most ungrateful motherfucker we have ever had to deal with.” According to Make-A-Wish, Melania Trump reached out to the foundation about two years ago, informing them that Donald had been diagnosed with Stage 3 testicular cancer.
After much discussion and reading of tweets, everyone involved realized that the one thing he wanted more than anything was to be President of the United States. "All we had to do with Batkid was put him in a costume for 24 hours and he was done!" said a social worker assigned to Trump's case. Continued on Page 2
OLD THANG
Elderly Man Appreciates the Finer Thangs at Rutgers
JON GALT INDUSTRIAL GAS PRODUCER
NEW BRUNSWICK—Though it's often socially appropriate to condescend to English majors, it's tough for a journalist to do when the student in question
had a successful career in chemical engineering. The student in question is Don Atello who enrolled last semester in the School of Arts and Science as a part-time student but has recently decided to take full advantage of the
social opportunities at Rutgers. The hoary freshman explained that he's interested in connecting with today's youth in ways he hadn't considered before coming to Rutgers. "Last semester, I met a nice young lady in 'Poets and Power in Late Medieval England' and I felt sixty-nine again...if you know what I mean," the seventynine-year-old lothario said with a wink. "I introduced her to my 'Power from Late Medieval England'...in bed! The kids still use that one, right?" The school's salacious septuagenarian has been attending fraternity rush events and received a bid last week to join Omicron Lambda Delta. "Our group of students Continued on Page 2
LETTING THE PATS WIN Since 1970
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