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FEBRUARY 15th, 2017
Volume LIII Issue IV 50¢ THE BEST NEWS
SOGGY LOAF OF BREAD ANNOUNCED AS 2017 COMMENCEMENT SPEAKER GRIND ALL BITTER SENIOR
NEW BRUNSWICK—Just last week Rutgers announced the commencement speaker for the class of 2017. Expectations were high especially after 2016's event in which President Obama took the stage to celebrate the schools 250th anniversary. Living up to true Rutgers fashion, the school announced their next commencement speaker to be a soggy piece of bread. “This decision comes after much debate between the student body and the Board of Governors,” says President Barchi. “But after weeks of arguing we agreed that the best way to sum up and, unfortunately for those graduating, to say farewell to Rutgers is to have a soggy loaf of bread be our speaker”.
MR. SOGGY LOAF Soggy Loaf tweeted this image after the annoucement of his speech
According to other news outlets, an actor from the Sopranos was also in the running to be the speaker but lost when he was considered “too irrelevant” for most of the student body. “We really wanted someone
who everyone could relate to,” said student body President Karen Jackson. “While we may be missing some kids who are gluten-free we are really hitting the nail on the head with Continued on Page 2
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In Protest of Defuning Planned P a r e n t h o o d , Jeb Regrets Beyoncé Aborts Twins Learning
CAILLOU RESIDENT DADDY
LOS ANGELES — In response to the GOP's efforts to defund Planned Parenthood, Beyoncé aborted her prenatal twins
yesterday afternoon, Beyoncé stated at a press conference this morning. "America cannot stand idly by while these corrupt, male bureaucrats try to tell women what we can and cannot do with
our bodies," Beyoncé stated. "That is why, in protest of these new bills to defund Planned Parenthood, I aborted my twins yesterday afternoon. Ultimately, this was my own decision, and I encourage all pregnant women in America to follow en suite and abort your babies! Even if you don't have access to a nearby Planned Parenthood, just grab a friend you can trust, a coat hanger you trust more, and fight back!" Major backlash against Beyoncé was voiced from many conservatives immediately after the press conference. Outspoken critic of Planned Continued on Page 2
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