February 10, 2016 Issue

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February 10th 2016

Volume LI Issue III 50¢ HOW THE FUCK DO YOU SAY HIS NAME?

THOUSANDS UPSET AS MILO YIANNOPOULOS OFFENDS NO ONE BY PAULIE VALENTINE FRENCH BRAIDED

NEW BRUNSWICK—Much to the chagrin of hundreds of protesters, the notoriously bombastic English journalist Milo Yiannopoulos was completely inoffensive. Starting at 9:15PM Tuesday night, Yiannopoulos entered Scott Hall and began an eloquent and nuanced lecture on the follies of censorship on college campuses. Over four hundred protesters, four major media outlets, and leader of the Professors for Ignorance H. Bruce Franklin crowded Scott Hall, on top of the three hundred attendees. The mission stated on the protesters’ Facebook group was to “make sure that heartless bigot understands what dismantling the patriarchy means.” “What the fuck!?” declared Janis Weller, sophomore in the

New Rutgers Football Recruit is Two Kids in a Trench Coat Doritos Baby Gets SIDS Man finds Long-Lost Twin Found in Mirror

"I RESPECT YOU, BRO" Yiannopoulos, surrounded by a crowd of inscenced student-protestors. Many people present preppred themselves for outrage by watching a YouTube playlist of Mr. Mylo Xyloto and were unprepared to agree with him, though they did.

School of Arts and Sciences. “He’s a fucking asshole I want him dead… but last night he spoke so eloquently. It makes me so fucking hard to hate him.” This was a common criticism

among the protestors. Catherine Bulson, Douglass Residential College senior, was completely moved to tears. “I was holding my ‘SHUT UP FAGGOT’ poster. Continued on Page 2

PB AND VAJAYJAY

Woman Leaves Supermarket with Dog Food and Peanut Butter BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS GETTING IN ON THIS

NORTH BRUNSWICK, N.J.— Sources reported that yesterday, Ms. Cassandra Talbot left the North Brunswick Shop Rite with only one bag of Pedigree Dog Food and a store-brand jar of creamy peanut butter. This transaction left many witnesses and neighbors extremely concerned, speculating as to why such a combination of items would be purchased solely together. Eyewitness reports came from the site of the supermarket less than ten minutes after Talbot entered her vehicle to leave and sped down the highway. Grocery checkout clerk and North Brunswick High School junior Jeremy Martin was among the first to share in his testimony.

QUICKIES

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure a boyfriend or husband.” Ms. Talbot is like my younger Martin was working at the brother’s math teacher at “Eleven Items or Less” counter middle school. She’s new and when Talbot was ready to Continued on Page 2 I’m pretty sure she doesn’t have

NOT VERY P.C. Since 1970

Christians Parade with Schmutz on Foreheads Gearheads Debate over who has the Smaller Penis Answered Inside: Are Liberal Arts Degrees Even Worth It? Humpday Now Ass Wednesday "Deadpool" Premier is an Excuse to Cosplay at Rutgers Cinema on Thursday