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February 4th 2015
Volume XLIX Issue I 50¢ RUTGERS SAVED!
BARCHI MAKES IT RAIN ON STUDENT DEBT BY BOX CUTTER NEWS EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK— Attention to all Rutgers students! President Barchi met with members of the University Senate yesterday morning and spontaneously decided that Rutgers University would be the first institution to alleviate student debt. Hundreds of students gathered in front of Brower Commons on slushy Tuesday afternoon to celebrate the news. One of the students explained through tears: “I don’t have to pay for beauty school after I graduate so that I can get a secure job to pay for my student debt. I can start with a clean slate and a social science degree!” A fraternity in attendance at the celebration invited everyone for a study session on Saturday. President Barchi added that “Young people should not pay thousands and thousands of dollars for education!” On answering our question about where the money
QUICKIES
Bruce Jenner to become fourth Kardashian
The popular Olympic athlete and show host recently underwent plastic surgery in hope of becoming a member of the Kardashians! Will she be able to keep up with the high standards set by Kim?
Students are addicted to second hand smoke "MAKE IT RAIN" President Barchi loosens up at the impromptu celebration
is going to come from, the president responded, “I learned that I have a recently deceased relative in Nigeria who had chosen me to receive their entire life’s savings. I thought to myself, I really don’t need this money, let me pass it on to the students, and so here I am!” We asked our educational
analyst Simi Longbottom how we got here: “Well, the national student debt has reached the $1 trillion ceiling. Students kept taking credits they can’t pay back and majors they can’t find jobs with. You have to be an idiot not to realize this shit is goContinued on Page 2
BOKO IS IN LOVE WITH THE COCO
Boko Goes Loco in Boca BY PAULIE VALENTINE MANAGING EDITOR
BOCA RATON, FL—Members of the terrorist organization Boko Haram, including their leader Abubakar Shekau, have been spotted at a resort in Boca Raton. According to a source in the Nigerian government, after two successful major abductions of female students and many hostage payoffs, the cash-rich organization has decided to use its funds for vacation. “I think we deserve this,” said leader Shekau in a video released by the organization yesterday via their instagram account. “We’ve been doing a really good job at purging West-
ern education out of our country, it’s only right we have some fun and some cosmos!” Shekau then went on dancing in his new swimwear and shooting rounds off a machine gun propped on his groin. The militants will be staying at the Waldorf Astoria Boca Raton Resort and Club. Their accommodations are extremely private and upscale ; Members have been seen on various balconies on the sixth floor (outside the penthouse suite) suggesting they have reserved every room on the Continued on Page 2
Showing Up to the Party Since 1970
Weird fuck goes to Hooters just for lunch 90% of freshman no longer marine bio majors Pre-Law student accused of rape produces signed, notarized documents of consent
Marshawn Lynched ? Fraternities to promote misogynist safe space Unfortunate typo causes bully to lick your ass Greek economy saved by charging $5's at the door