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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themediumonline.com
february 23rd, 2011
Volume xli Issue xviI
50¢
THE COLD SHOULDER
Sorority girl found in ice block BY BULLSHIT BINGO STAFF WRITER
NEW BRUNSWICK— Local residents Joey Remson and Dan Sroczynski were shocked Friday when, as the recent warm weather began to melt the snow in their backyard, they found themselves face to face with a sorority girl frozen in a wild state of disheveled intoxication. “It was crazy man,” Sroczynski commented. “We took her inside and, you know, put her in the shower to defrost. She came to and just started trying to dance. I mean, you would think she would be cold but the chick just took off her pants and started making out with me.” The girl, who has been identified as senior Chelsea Robertson, is believed to have wandered off drunkenly from a party and passed out in the backyard of 122 Huntington during one of the area’s fre-
Little Tykes Log Cabin owners face recordhigh foreclosures
Campus biddies in favor of health care repeal
quent heavy snowstorms. Her sorority was apparently unaware of her disappearance, citing the fact that at any given time half of them are incapacitated and probably sleeping at some guy’s place anyway. “This is normal,” one Phi
Sigma commented. “One time we found a girl passed out on a raft in the Raritan. Then there was that girl who wound up completely naked in President McCormick’s office. We’re still not exactly sure what happened that night.”
IRONY
Hipsters unsure how to proceed with indie band’s mainstream Grammy award BY KERNAL SANDERZ STAFF WRITER
WILLIAMSBURG, NYC—In light of Arcade Fire’s recent Grammy win for Best Album, Hipsters everywhere are suddenly finding themselves in conflict with Hipsterdom’s first law that isn’t really a law so as not to be part of a system of restricting laws – That mainstream is so midtown and un-deck that one must avoid conforming to it by instead safely conforming to a society of nonconformity. The issue has become a dire one for the mental state of Hipsters everywhere. One Jerry was recently seen convulsing after overhearing two uncultured fraternity Cronkites discussing Arcade Fire and Justin Bieber in the same sentence. Though problematic, the Hipster Paradox has not been without warning, with many wondering if appearing on Conan is mainstream enough
NEWS QUICKIES
"I don't want increasing coverage," said sophomore Sarah Sagert. "I like my sexy little outfits."
Area boss to tie raises to whether or not employees see him in production of "Guys and Dolls" "If they compliment my portrayal of Nicely-Nicely Johnson, they'll also get extra sick days!"
MEET THE MEDIUM PAGE 4
RA-RA-RIOT
A group of Hipsters protest by getting drunk and snorting coke.
to ruin Vampire Weekend and Steel Train’s cred. “Recently, we were all worried about Lady Gaga winning an award. I mean she’s so deck, cultured and revolutionary – but she also recently ripped off Madonna, so a Grammy nod would put her pop appeal over the top,” said Hipster and MGSA Sophomore eric green, who specifically requested his name be lower cased
because “capitalization is for lamestream elites.” In an effort to combat the conflict, Hipsters everywhere are adopting the “Death Cab For Cutie Was On The OC So Let’s Always Remind People That We Heard Them First So We’re Cooler Than Them” method. Various local Hipster bands have also begun to nix Arcade Fire from Continued, “HIPSTER” page 2
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TODAY'S WEATHER You're on your own buddy. It's for your own good. You gotta get beyond the water cooler chat if you're ever gonna make any progress with her.