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FEBRUARY 22nd, 2017
Volume LIII Issue X 50¢ EVEN ISIS WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH US
ISIS DECIDES TO SPARE AMERICA CLAIMING IT’S ALREADY FUCKED GRIND ALL DOES THE SHITTY THING
WASHINGTON D.C. -- In a leaked video showing a secret meeting between leaders of the radical Islamic terrorist group ISIS, the group declared that they would be leaving America out of their quest for complete destruction of the world. The video showed leader Saajid Yousif stating that ever since Trump’s election the country has been falling apart all without any influence from the outside world. “Look at them!” cried Yousif. “They’re a fucking mess. Not only are there protests every goddamned day but they couldn’t even give Beyonce the record of the year at the
Fab English Major Prefers Glamour Over Grammar It's A Left Heavy Day on Tinder Someone Give Me a Quickie (Like the Sex Kind)
"THEY'RE SUPER FUCKED" ISIS leader Saajid Yousif decides to leave America alone after tumultulous first month of Trump's presidency
Grammy’s! That place is going to shit all by itself, we should focus our attention elsewhere”. This declaration comes after the first turbulent month of
Trump’s presidency. Since taking office Trump has attempted to issue a travel ban on Muslims, start a war with the press, and Continued on Page 2
FROLIC BITCHES
Students Frolic in Construction Sites During Warm Weather RADIO RAHEEM DOES THE RIGHT THING
NEW BRUNSWICK—The unseasonably warm weather has cheered up many students who have been struggling through midterms this week. Some students have taken the opportunity to go outside, enjoy some fresh air, and frolic among the many construction sites on campus. "I love the smell of sunshine and fresh air," says freshman biology major Catherine Barnett. She then closed her eyes and took a deep breath of fresh air, all whilst standing on top of a mound of dirt on Busch campus surrounded by chain link fence and orange cones. "I am in love with this weather. The breeze feels lovely and it's finally warm.
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It feels like spring!" As the gentle breeze blew a fine, red-brown layer of dust from the incomplete construction project into Barnett's hair, she
pranced over to go and climb a nearby JCB tractor. According to Barnett, climbing trees has always been one of her favorite Continued on Page 2
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Hilter's Phone Sold at Auction, Bannon Upset Contacts Can't Be Transferred