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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume xliI Issue XVII
February 22nd, 2012
50¢
GROUND CONTROL TO MAJOR PERNETTI
'SHUTTE'ING TO VICTORY NEW RUTGERS GOLF COACH CELEBRATED ACROSS CAMPUS BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES SENIOR NEWS EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK— Sophomore Marley Murkowski wiped a tear from her eye after the 3 hour long “Welcome to Rutgers” parade held last Friday along College Avenue for the University’s newest sports legend. “I’ve never been so proud to be an RU student,” said Murkowski, who plans to attend every golf game this upcoming season and give her support with wildly polite clapping. Sports analysts agree that Shutte will boost the golf team to a level of unparalleled victories. The golf team, which is regarded as the university’s must valuable asset, is looking forward to its first appearance at the Superbowl, which is pre- SHUTTE'S SHUTTLE dicted to happen after they beat Leftover money from Schiano's contract allowed for its construction
every golf team and move on to beating professional football teams. Shutte has reassured the university that he will help the men’s golf team cope with their newfound international fame. Shutte was picked from an elite field of seven potential coaches after a gladiator style sine missione trial on the planet’s most challenging golf course. It is most likely that his experience is what pulled him through. The coach, who hails from the heights of Mount Olympus referred to as “Lehigh University”, has trained in such extreme places as the Sahara Desert, where he once hit a golf ball out of a 2,000 mile wide sand trap. Rutgers Athletic director Tim Pernetti officially named Continued on Page 2
YEAHHHH BUDDY
NEWS IN PICTURES
Chris Christie to Star in New Season of Family Guy “No one upholds good ol’ fashioned values like Christie,” says creator Seth MacFarlane.
the borough, completely enclosing it from the rest of the world. "All the southwestern states are doing it," proclaimed Akers. "We need to strengthen our efforts in keeping North Jersey trash from stepping on our sacred shores." Questions began to arise on Seaside's source of income, due BY EVERYDAY I'M TRUFFLIN' to tourism being their previous NEWS EDITOR source of income. Akers was quick to respond. "We'll live off the land. I've already talked it over with the Attorney General and Governor Christie. From time to time, they'll fly in supply boxes filled with raw materiels like they did after WWII. And for power, we'll just use that big Ferris Wheel; I mean, how many people do we have to care for anyway?" JERSEY SHORE—Due to an Of the few homeowners reoutbreak of "illegals" running siding in Seaside Heights yearthrough the Jersey Shore over round, the general reaction to the past couple of years, Seaside the news has been positive. Heights Mayor William Akers "Yeah I think its great," said has decided to build a 20 foot 68 year-old resident Joe Brigatall wall stretching the length of Continued on Page 2
Seaside Heights Building 20 ft. Wall to Protect from North Jesey "Illegals"
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ESTABLISHED 1970