The Medium 2/19/2020

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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY

February 19th, 2020

VOLUME CDXX ISSUE LXIX 69¢ BLOOMBERGIN ONION

MICHAEL BLOOMBERG PROMISES TO PUT A BIDET IN EVERY HOME RICHARD HERTZ CALL A DOCTAH

New York, NY- As the South Carolina and Nevada primaries draw nearer, presidential hopeful and robber baron Michael Bloomberg has made an astonishing campaign promise; on Sunday afternoon he announced, “I’m gonna cut to the chase my fellow Americans; if you vote for me in the primary, I will personally purchase you a bidet for your homes.” Never in the history of the United States has there been such a blatant display of purchasing votes. A reporter from Jacobin pushed the candidate on this issue of supposed corruption, Bloomberg responded, “I don’t care, I have 60 billion dollars.” Over the past few weeks, Bloomberg’s campaign has failed to pick up significant steam as

numerous controversies have resurfaced from over the years: his support for stop and frisk up until 2015, his 64 harassment and discrimiation cases against him, and his less-than-evidence-based takes on education are some of the most prominent. However, some of the

other candidates feel that this Hail Mary may prove to be effective. Front runner Bernie Sanders said this morning, “Fuck, that’s pretty good. I hope the American people have the common sense not to be swayed, but I gotta admit bidets are kinda rad as hell.” Online Continued on Page 2

DON'T MISS THE MORAL OF THE STORY

TRUMP FALLS ASLEEP DURING ‘POLTERGEIST’, CHOOSES TO BUILD WALL ON NATIVE LAND THROBBIN WILLIAMS APHRODISIAC MAKER

rizona- The White House A has announced plans to blow up Arizona’s Organ Pipe Cactus National Monument to build a border wall. Even more controversial is that this monument is also a Native American burial site. This decision is coming after the President fell asleep five minutes in to watching ‘Poltergeist’ with Melania. “We have decided to build this beautiful, magnificent and glorious wall right through Oregon Pie National Monument,” Trump said “Tremendous.” Groups representing the descendants of the native people buried at this site have come forth

to make their discrepancies. Tribal elders say the destruction of the holy ground is sacrilegious and disrespectful. “We can’t believe this is happening, but I guess we shouldn’t be surprised. And also, has this asshole never seen the poltergeist?

This is going to go poorly.” Construction has already begun at the site, where crews have started blowing into the hills with controlled blasts. The grave sites are estimated to be 10,000 years old, and fucking crawling with spirits Continued on Page 2

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