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February 17th 2016
Volume LI Issue IV 50¢ SUBSIDIZED SUNSET YEARS
SANDERS SNAGS COVETED OLD WHITE REPUBLICAN VOTE BY SAWYER GNUS EDITOR
BOCA RATON, FL—At the Democrats' Town Hall late Monday night, Senator Bernie Sanders introduced a new campaign promise: government-subsidized retirement condominiums in sunny Florida. He claims that in addition to free tuition for public colleges and free healthcare, he can provide free beachside shuffleboard court access. "Ninety-nine percent," announced Sanders, "of eightyeight-year-olds move to climates that average seventy-seven degrees Fahrenheit...three-hundred-sixty-five days a year. We can't treat our retirees the way we treat our veterans by allowing them to starve out in the colder climates. We'll tax Wall Street and have the defunct Meals on Wheels take care of moving them." Critics point out that Sanders is just targeting another
"TRUMP'S NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN BUILD" Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders and his wife, Jane, standing outside the model home for Sanders Condos, an all-includive retirement and hospice home.
large voter group to improve his chances against Hillary. Marcia Brody, a spokesperson for the Sanders campaign, explained, "He's huge with millennials but needs more support. Despite his record in civil rights advocacy,
he still doesn't have the black vote. It's time we steal some supporters from Trump and the gang, specifically, the ones with dementia." This promise actually pro Continued on Page 2
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FOSTER'S HOME FOR IMAGINARY FRIENEMIES
Schizophrenic Man Ignored By His Own Hallucinations and Delusions
BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS RUM SHOPPING
MIDDLETOWN, NJ—To his own dismay, local schizophrenic man Logan Hepburn has reportedly been ignored and excluded from the activities of his delusions, who once haunted him on a regular basis. Hepburn, whose social ineptitude drove him to madness, once held solace in the fact that the voices in his head kept him company. “I mean, you have to accept your friends with their flaws, right?” pondered Hepburn. “But now, my delusions no longer tell me about how I’m the Great Envoy of the Cheese Kingdom and their righteous quest to water bottles. Now, I hear them in the other room, talking about how
the confines of our minds, “Man, that guy is such a fucking boner! He used to be fun to torment when we first met him. But after a while, it felt like we were just with him because he would let us use his Netflix account.” While literally any patient of this disorder would be grateful to be relieved of their ailment, Hepburn lamented his feelings of exclusion when his hallucinations seemingly abandoned him. “We made plans for the weekend for them to whisper hateful, murderous thoughts in my head while I try to sleep, but I ended up waiting all night the government is planting feel like they want to include me and they never came.” Hepburn computer chips in somebody in anything anymore.” then smashed his coffee mug on else’s head.” He then entered We spoke with some of the floor and shouted, “I can’t a brief state of catatonia before Hepburn’s hallucinations, believed they would flake on returning to say, “I just don’t whom angrily shouted within me!”
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