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CDC "NOT THAT SURPRISED" BY WHITNEY HOUSTON DEATH BY CASTLETON SNOB EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
BEVERLY HILLS—Following the national outpouring of grief for Whitney Houston, doctors in America have declared themselves "pretty unmoved" by the pop star's passing. Dr. Mark Rosen of the Center for Disease Control spoke on behalf of the organization today and said, "In the interest of being perfectly honest, I have to say that this news is only shocking to anyone with literally zero medical knowledge." Dr. Rosen cited Houston's history of drug abuse and bizarre public appearances in recent years. "Anyone who saw her wandering around that airport knew she only had a few good years left," explained Rosen. Only one intern of the local medical examiner's office was
50¢
February 15th, 2012
Volume xliI Issue XVI
Boyfriend just about managed to enunciate 'I love you' Despite valiant attempts such as "I luhhhrrvrgh...." and "Yeah..... you too," freshman James LeVan continues his masculine struggle to balance both his sense of independence and his role as boyfriend.
WHITNEY HOUSTON WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU The singer was found dead this weekend in a "fairly standard" turn of events
brought in to assess a cause of death. The head of the ME's office explained away the decision saying, "Yeah, we got it already." Entertainment agencies were not very surprised by the singer's death either. Nancy O'Dell, host of En-
tertainment Tonight explained, "We've had a death reel for her ready ever since she married Bobby Brown. Everyone here is pretty upset but...come on." Houston's funeral, arranged in the late 90s, will be held this weekend in Newark.
You were retarded for listening to your girlfriend when she told you to not get her anything for Valentine's Day
I know you read this you fucking dickhead. Why the hell didn't you fucking surprise me with something? Everyone's asking me "Hey, what'd he get you for Valentine's Day?" and I have to be empty fucking handed. Don't look at me like this is my fault!
i MANNING
Doctors to perform surgery on Peyton Manning to make him "Better, Stronger, Faster"
referencing his son Eli’s second Super Bowl win over a week and a half ago. Sources within the Colts’ INDIANAPOLIS—Just several talent relations department said weeks before star Quarterback that he does not want too much Peyton Manning is due to reattention drawn to him before ceive $28 million, Indianapolis the procedure and is not at all Colts owner Jim Irsay has anconcerned for his health or wellnounced that the 11-time Pro being. Bowler will undergo a contro“It’s not like we’re tying versial procedure to restore him up in some ditch outside nerve functions in his arm. on Route 65 and drugging him,” According to Irsay, team said Irsay. “Manning wants to doctors have been developing play football for us and he is a bionic nerve system that will five times as much as Peyton’s was a national hit, so it was only very willing to sacrifice his body run from Manning’s upper spi- signing bonus, which may seem fitting for this to be his fate. He for bionics. I don’t want anyone nal area to his fingers. Similar counterproductive,” said Irsay. also expressed how expectations for one second to point fingers to the title character of the pop- “However, this is something for his son have grown since this at us and say this is a violation ular 1970’s science-fiction series, I’ve thought about for a few past Super Bowl. of human rights.” “My son and I are wellThe Six Million Dollar Man, the hours already and I feel it’s best Pending a successful suraware of the risk that a proce- gery, Irsay has also expressed inprocedure will increase Man- for the team.” Manning’s father, Archie dure like this poses to his body. terest in making it a requirement ning’s overall strength, vision, Manning, said that Peyton was The fact is, he needs to keep up for all incoming draft picks to and throwing capabilities well born around the same time "The with his brother’s accomplish- undergo the same procedure. beyond human limits. “The procedure will cost Six Million Dollar Man" series ments,” said Manning’s father, BY THE KILLA WHALE MANAGING EDITOR
#WhitePeopleProblems ESTABLISHED 1970
Photograph by Fotonelli