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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themediumonline.com
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February 10th, 2010
Volume xl Issue XV
BABY BOOM
KISSING ASS AND TAKING NAMES
CHILD TERRORIST MEDIUM TO HOST "NIGHT OF COMEDY" DESTRUCTION TONIGHT 8PM GRADUATE STUDENT LOUNGE PLOTS OF PLAYGROUND BY SUM DUM JOO COMMANDO UNIED STATES NEWS EDITORS
BY BULLSHIT BINGO STAFF WRITER
COLLEGE AVE— At 8 pm tonight,
The Medium will be hosting a comedy show in the Rutgers Student Center Graduate Student Lounge. Some of Rutgers’ most ROFLCOPTER’n performers will be up on stage delivering their own brand of Jersey comedy. For those who do not enjoy laughter or do not want to risk a pantswetting episode, dozens of delishioso cookies and baked goods will be available for purchase. News editors Jordan Gochman and Kaitie Davis would like to note that this article is in no way a cheap attempt to brownnose the Medium EIC, Colin Fong, or Managing Editor, Reven McQueen, although their charm and awesomeness is comparable to Chipotle burritos and snow days. “The show will be entertaining on its own,” said Gochman, a freshman who is very keen on advancing through the ranks of The Medium’s editorial staff. “But we can basically credit all of tonight’s turnout on our actions. Of
THIS COULD BE YOU!
Some student's would give their left arm for a free comedy show...and their right one
course, the fact that my improv group is hosting the show will score me some points as well.” The news editors have the unique opportunity to use prime front-page space to advertise this one-of-a-kind event. Davis agreed with Gochman, saying “Coming to this event will be the best decision of your life. It’ll make up for the fact that you’re not from Pennsylvania like me."
The Managing Editor and EIC could not be reached for comment as they were being fed seedless grapes from the personals editors. (The graduate student lounge is located behind Au Bon Pain, in the back of the Rutgers Student Center. Enter from outside. Now you have no excuse not to be there. "But my butt will get sore!" Bullshit. That place has mashmallow fluff bunny couches.)
NAPPY-HEADED HOUNDS
MEN’S BASKETBALL TEAM RECRUITS GOLDEN RETRIEVER
“He’s got great technical skills, he’s loyal to the guys, and he looks so cute in his uniform and his widdle doggy sneakers." The rest of the Rutgers student body has also been kind to the newest Knight. During Bo’s first game against Notre Dame, fans could be seen holding signs like “BO IS BEAST” and “WHO’S A GOOD BOY?” Bo could not be reached for comment because he’s a fucking dog.
BY DR. CLAYTON FORRESTER STAFF WRITER
NEW BRUNSWICK—Magic Johnson was a star for Michigan. Larry Bird was a star for Indiana. Now, Rutgers coach Fred Hill hopes he has found the next great college basketball star in Bo. Bo is a 2-year-old Golden Retriever from Wichita, Kansas. The AKC certified canine created a lot of buzz as the starting forward for the Happy Paws Kennel Warriors. “Rutgers is extremely lucky to have nabbed such an outstanding player,” said Hill, in his press conference announcing Bo’s addition to the team. “Bo was getting offers from places like Duke and Kentucky, but he chose to come here.” Bo enters the team on the heels of their 9th straight loss, and may not be enough to help the Scarlet Knights to a winning season. “Sure, the kid can shoot,” explained sportswriter Sam Palumbo. “And of course he’s fast, he’s got
OMERSET ST.—Protesting countS less school days of violent exploitation, 5-year-old kindergarten student Jay Connolly decided Tuesday to finally rid the New Brunswick Elementary School playground of all its boogereating, wedgie-giving infidels. “This disrespect will not be tolerated,” Connolly stated, slamming his lunchbox with a clenched fist. “That jerk Tommy has occupied the swing set for too long. Too long!” Connolly expressed the sentiment that ever since that good-for-nothing Tommy Smith and his friends declared the swing set as theirs, he has been forcefully kept away. “We have a god-given right to recess,” Tommy commented. “This is only the beginning.” After an initial hostile confrontation, the two were confined to a partitioned-off sector of the play area, known as, “time-out,” a decision that was sure to raise tensions in the already brutally sectarian conflict. “We will continue our assault of stuck-out tongues and whining until we are recognized by the occupying powers. This is our land, our swin set!,” Connolly declared. “Let me go on the record by stating emphatically that Tommy is, in fact, a butthead.” What he didn’t know or care to understand was that Tommy and his friends had themselves been victims of oppression years earlier, living for some time without a swing set to call their own, and naturally harbored an unflinching resolve to never let it happen again. As of press time the jihad had been temporarily suspended until after nap time.
INSIDE THIS ISSUE: SIT! STAY! SCORE! Bo takes a few pointers from Coach Hill before running off to chase his tail.
four legs. But you can’t just add one superstar player and expect everything to be better.” Despite outside criticisms like Palumbo’s, the Rutgers team has been quick to accept Bo as one of their own. “I don’t want to jinx it, but I think Bo is gonna be great for the team,” said sophomore guard Mike Rosario.
Sarah Palin Gets Confused; Hosts Real Tea Party New Orleans Citizens Use Super Bowl Victory to Momentarily Forget That They Still Don't Have Roofs Over Their Heads
INSIDE NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE: Are you driving a recalled Toyota that's accelerating out of control? Find out how to save yourself!
Another Brick in the Wall ESTABLISHED 1970