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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume xliI Issue XV
February 1st, 2012
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BUSCH CAMPUS TO MERGE WITH TAMPA BAY Schiano in line to be University President
BUSCH—In an effort to boost both the academic and athletic profile of the University, Governor Chris Christie has introduced a plan to merge Rutgers football and Busch Campus with The Tampa Bay Buccaneers. "The intention is to create a private athletic research institution and to maintain Greg Schiano as a part of Rutgers," commented Governor Christie. Schiano, former Rutgers University head football coach, signed a five-year deal with Tampa Bay last week for a higher salary than he earned with the Scarlet Knights. "Greg thinks he can just walk out on us, huh? Well, I'm here to say hell to the no!" said Christie. "We're going to double his salary with the newly formed Buschaneers and make him the president." The institution is planned to cost Rutgers $11.6 billion since
chase the team. With the proposed 10% tax cut making waves in New Jersey legislature, Christie said that the timing couldn't be better. "Everyone is paying less taxes, we got Schiano back, and our new pro football college is gonna make all those Big East dropouts wish they were back!" said Governor Christie. Several New Jersey residents have expressed their concerns about the governor's radical plans, calling him "an economic detriment to our society," and "fat." "I mean, with less money LOOK AT MEEEEEEE!!!! going to the state, we're not goTh ing to be able to afford this," said Monmouth resident Gary Urbinski. In addition to fiscal conTHE SCARLET 'NEERS Rutgers Stadium is modified to display the football program's new logo cerns, residents are outraged that there will now be three prothe merger required the State ernor Christie has repackaged fessional football teams playing of New Jersey to purchase the the state's entire budget. In ad- in their state under a foreign Tampa Bay franchise from busi- dition, the state will be using all name. funds allocated to Rutgers along nessman Malcolm Glazer. "New Jersey Giants?" said To make the purchase, Gov- with 12 unknown loans to pur- Secaucus resident Al Rezzonico.
CIVIL COMPETITION
NEWS IN PICTURES
BY THE KILLA WHALE MANAGING EDITOR
Republicans Vow to Win Next Year’s National Clapping Championships BY RANDOM ANONYMOUS STAFF WRITER
WASHINGTON—As President Barack Obama left The Capitol Building two Tuesdays ago, Republicans across the United States vowed to win next year’s State of the Union event. Republican Candidate Mitt Romney said, “The Democrats put up a tough fight this year.” Romney believes that the campaigning against one another within the Republican party has led to less clapping and support for each other, leaving them in poor shape for the State of the Union address. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said, “My hands are as red as Bill’s face when I ask him where he’s been all night. It was worth the win.”
Study linking Facebook to excessive procrasBeyonce and Jay-Z gave birth to a holy baby girl ear- tination not yet lier last week at a local NY hospital. Accompanying the complete
Beyonce Gives Birth To Messiah
couple were three wise men bearing gold albums, VMA awards, and Myrrh. There was also an offering of Rihanna goats for Blue Ivy, the savior of all mankind.
Protestor mistakes overregistered Psych 101 for large mob Ron Paula Dean runs for Butter President Heidi Klum breaks up with Seal, seen dating Walrus
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