This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.
INSTA: @themediumRU
January 25th, 2017
Volume LII Issue xII 50¢ DEF NOT MAD
SENIOR CONVINCED THIS WILL BE THE SEMESTER HE RAISES GPA BY GRIND ALL EXPLORA REPORTA
NEW BRUNSWICK--Second semester senior Dan Harrison has recently declared that this semester, his final semester, will be the time when he finally gets his grades up. In a dramatic Facebook post Harrison spoke about his past academic struggles. "I've been too busy partying" he said in the post. "I've never focused on my school work but I'm finally realizing that in order to succeed after graduation I need to get at least a 3.0. I am determined to do that this semester." Harrison's goal came as a surprise to family and friends. Those closest to him described him as a "careless party animal with no sense of responsibility". "Last time I checked he had like a 2.1 or something"
TOTALLY DELUSIONAL Dan Harrison pathetically believing he could actually pull a 3.0 out of his ass
said roommate Christian Donnell. A recent statement from his academic advisor, Sarah Burn, confirmed this statement. "Dan has barely made it through college. He has scraped
a D out of almost every class. If he pulls out a 3.0 I would literally tear off my own leg and eat it. That's how much I am sure that he is incapable of Continued on Page 2
Sean Spicer Goes Home To Cry Into Pillow
WASHINGTON, D.C.— White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer reportedly went home to scream into his pillow today, according to several
Come To Open Mic Night!
Oh God! God damn it, was it the nightmare one or the other one?
CRYBABY IN CHIEF
BY RADIO RAHEEM DOES THE RIGHT THING
QUICKIES
sources. After a heated press conference where Spicer grilled the media for reporting things he says, Spicer went home to his apartment and spent about 25 minutes tearfully screaming into a single pillow. After a significant amount
of time had passed, Spicer’s muffled screams into his pillow slowed down to a gentle sobbing. “They need to leave me the fuck alone,” cried Spicer, into his pillow, “What did I do to deserve this kind of treatment?” An exhausted Spicer, after a solid half hour of yelling and crying into his pillow, then fell into a gentle, rage-induced peaceful slumber. This is no isolated incident, however. The Press Secretary was recently appointed to his new position by President Trump’s administration, and it has been an eventful transition. During his very first White House press conference, Spicer spent approximately three minutes yelling at reporters for Continued on Page 2
TIME TO MAKE THE NEWS Since 1970
Polls show that 86.7% of Americans think Ariana Grande is fine as hell Report: Manatees confirmed to be worst mammal Denzel Washington is an American treasure that should be preserved at all costs Fuck Apple