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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
Volume XXXIX Issue XIII
50¢
December 10th, 2008
2008 Bankrupt on Months Really, Dude? Now? New Brunswick, NJ- Seriously, dude? Right now? Fuck, man! Why don’t you tell me this shit ever? Here I am about to sit down with some delicious Easy-Mac and Natty Light and you just barge in being like, “Oh, bro bro bro! My mom just got hit by a car and I really need you to drive me to the hospital! Well fuck you. That’s right, fuck you! I have been doing this kind of shit all semester! Driving you to Robert Wood when you had a 105 fever. Not only that but I had to pick you up afterwards. Not tonight, dude. Get Two-Shae to take you.
Requests Government Bailout for More Time BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER STAFF WRITER
Washington, D.C.- As the Detroit automakers and New York financial companies are petitioning the federal government for funds, a new industry is about to enter the fray. The year 2008 officially filed for billions of dollars in bailout funds for the purpose of adding months to the calendar after realizing that precious Month Reserves are nearly depleted. “We were extremely lenient with the amount of months that we have loaned out this past fiscal year” said head 2008 Director Fa-
ther Time. “When we needed our debtors to pay back the months that they used, they came up short so we need the Federal Government to step in and give us back as many months as possible.” When 2008 started out, it had plenty of months to give out, going so far as to giving away February with a sub-prime amount of days. But now, the months are completely unable to be returned to the year, which is leading investors to believe that 2008 will go down the same path as 2006 and 2007,
two years that also went under due to month shortage. Former 2007 CEO Chronos had this to say about this chronological problem. “I was in the exact same position precisely one year ago, and did the government help us? No! They just wrote us off, diverting the funds to something like the National Endowment for the Arts, letting 2008 corner the month market.” If 2008 does not receive additional months from the government, 2009 is on the short list to take over the calendar year assuming 2010 will not make an offer.
Auto-Makers Respond to Rutgers IT Department Lowest Gas Prices in Years Blocks Itself for BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER STAFF WRITER
Detriot, MI- With the United States’ economy failing rapidly on the heels of the country’s financial crisis, the major car companies are pulling out all of the stops to take advantage of the cheapest gas prices since 2004. Unveiled at Detroit’s “Save Our Own Asses” Auto Show, the HUMMER H4 is the product of all
the major companies coming together and designing a winning vehicle. The H4 is powered by a HUMMER in the engine with four additional HUMMERS powering the wheels with an average fuel economy of “Absolute Zero City/ Negative Zero Highway MPG”. The MSRP will be set at $450,000 and the first models will roll off assembly lines in 2009.
Exceeding Bandwidth BY A. PERSON CONTRIBUTING WRITER
New Brunswick, NJ- Complete and utter pandemonium broke out earlier this week at the Rutgers IT Department as the entire staff had their internet access suspended for a week. The reason for the blockage is that while in the process of blocking students’ internet access for exceeding their bandwidth quotas, they blocked their own access for exceeding their personal bandwidth quota. It was all very confusing and took several hours, and many Indian and Asian Busch Pharmacy students to figure out what happened. Brian McNerdesson (aka “The Brian” as he would like to be
referred as) the manager of Rutgers IT stated, “We’re not sure why this happened and I’m a COMP SCI major! I am clearly smarter than any person at this entire school! Why can’t I figure it out?! Why!?” He then passed out from too much excitement and had to be revived with his rescue inhaler. After regaining consciousness, he went back to working on his potential Nobel Prize winning program that deletes spam and refused to be bothered by using awkward silence. Later that day, the computing staff was relieved when they received an email from themselves stating that their access had been restored and immediately went about spending their entire shift texting and surfing Facebook.
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