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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
Volume xl Issue XII
BILLY MAYS SAYS READ THIS PAPER
BILLY MAYS RELEASES POSTHUMOUS ALBUM
BILLY MAYS HERE! BY ABA SABABA NEWS EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK—A wash up? Not this guy. Billy Mays’ al-
by a dead artist. The album has been lauded by critics everywhere. “Mays was never the kind of guy to sell out for a few extra bucks,” said Geoff Irving, editor of the New York-based Keep it Classy magazine. “After the success of his debut PitchMan, a lot of people thought he might start whoring out his talents for money, given his costly uphill battle with schizophrenia. But he’s always stayed true to his roots, you know, true to his fans, and his music really shows it.” Mays’ had enjoyed a cult fanbase ever since his first single, “Spray, Wipe, Repeat,” hit the airwaves. Steady album sales quickly transformed the budding country busker into a crazy-huge pop star. He was set to embark on a lengthy European tour to support the new album, but he inconveniently died. The world will never forget the gruesome images of his self-imposed suicide-by-detergent, allegedly precipitated by a stain that Oxyclean could not get out. Irving sees his suicide as mark of fortitude. “Here’s a guy who stood by what he believed in. Here’s a guy who’d rather die than see De-stain your listening surfaces! his ideals shattered.” Irving continued, “That’s the kind of guy bum OxyClean This was certi- whose music I wanna hear. A revolutionary, like fied gold just ten days after re- Bob Dylan. Billy Mays never took no shit; not from lease, setting the record for any corporate America, not from the Man, and definitealbum posthumously released ly not from no fucking can of detergent.”
ISN’T HAIR PRODUCT ILLEGAL IN JERSEY?
GUIDOS RALLY FOR MTV’S JERSEY SHORE BY ZAYIN GADOL STAFF WRITER
NEW BRUNSWICK—Rutgers is about to throw down. Despite drawing the ire of native Jerseyans everywhere, thousands of self-proclaimed guidos are planning to descend onto the banks
next week in support of MTV’s newest program, “Jersey Shore”. The show aired last week, and it portrayed the small yet prominent lifestyle of the fistpumping, steroid-abusing, douchebagging guidos of Seaside Heights. “Yeah, uh, we want to raise guido
awareness,” said Dominic O’Hara of Elizabeth. “New Jersey has to know who fuckin’ runs shit around here.” O’Hara is looking to add to his personal STD collection at the upcoming rally. “I heard Rutgers has its own brand of cock-rust. The Rutgers’ Rash? That’s hot.”
MAFF MAKES ME LAFF
DRUNKEN BINGE AT HILL CENTER RESULTS IN MATHEMATICAL BREAKTHROUGHS BY SUM DUM JOO STAFF WRITER
BUSCH—The Hill Center for Mathematics has reported that several set theoretic paradoxes previously deemed “unsolvable” have now been conclusively proved. Kevin Sulieman, director of the Hill Center, credits the work to three PhD candidates who “got piss drunk on Friday night and started mashing random numbers into their calculators.” Yiway Puhalia, Sunghyn Molloy, and Rich Kisos are doctoral candidates for the Department of Mathematics where they are interested in the cardinality of transfinite recursive axioms of determinacy. “I recall very little of what happened,” said Kisos, “All I know is that when I woke up and cleaned all the vomit off of my shirt, I realized that a proof of the hypomythi-
50¢
December 9th, 2009
NEWS QUICKIES
Student in Chem 101 Drops a Lot of Acid Ttime seemed to stop for students in Professor Cotter’s General Chemistry class as sophomore Keith Russell dropped extremely potent acid while walking to his seat. Russell’s reaction to its floormelting effect was immediate. “Oh shit man, the colors! Can’t you see? The colors are everywhere!” “You could tell he was freaking out,” said freshman Sophie Moore. “His eyes were just huge.” This wasn’t the first time Russell caused a scene. “Oh yeah, he’s always tripping during class,” continued Moore. She added, “He’s really clumsy.” After yesterday’s particularly bad trip, Russell quickly left the room claiming that he felt sick to his stomach. He was later found in the hallway, questioning his abilities as a chemist, saying, “Dude, I don’t even know who I am anymore!”
Student Re-Browns Nose in Anticipation of Finals Daniel Levy, a freshman in the School of Arts and Sciences, was seen copiously re-browning his nose to offset his chances of failing Expository Writing. “I coated my nose pretty well at the beginning of the semester, but it’s lost its luster and sheen lately,” he explains. “I really don’t want to take any chances with my grade here.”
Asshole Professor Takes Attendance, Like, Every Goddamned Day With a blatant display of douchebaggery, some stupid asshole professor decided to take attendance every day in accordance with university policy. “Apparently, he’d been doing it all semester long,” said SAS junior Dave Stephens. “Fuck,” he added.
Honors Student Gets a “C” on Paper, Apocalypse Now A BEAUTIFULLY WASTED MIND
cal Goldbach Conjecture was written upside down on the wall of my office.” “I must have been doing a keg stand while I was writing it down,” he added Other solved problems include the proof positive of the infamous Urysohn’s Third Lemma. “Once I realized that these guys had definitively offered a viable recursive schema to ontological bijective algorithms, I knew
A portion of the earth-shattering formuli
they were onto something,” continued Sulieman. “They did it all singing a slurred version of ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ and taking their pants off to wear them as hats.” In hopes of encouraging further successes, the Hill Center is slated to spend one quarter of its yearly funding on beer and will be re-working the plumbing so for the water fountains to dispense vodka.
A swirling black hole formed out of Brett Hall room 527 yesterday evening as freshman honors student Shanthi Halliday discovered that her research paper on the “Development of the Proletariat in Yugoslavia” for her Honors Microeconomics class had garnered a “C,” a grade commonly associated with adequate performance. The black hole then began enveloping everything around it and eventually destroyed the world and all surrounding planets in the solar system.
This Paper Will Self-Destruct In One Minute ESTABLISHED 1970