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Volume xlv Issue x
December 5th, 2012
HARD-HITTING NEWS
BLOUSE RUINED IN TRAGIC CHANDELIER ACCIDENT
BY YOUNG BITTINGTON III NEWS EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK-- A valuable shawl, dozens of expensive centerpieces and the lives of two children were damaged beyond repair when an antique chandelier came crashing down during the Robert Wood Johnson charity gala Tuesday night. Gala attendees, who described the evening as “smashing”, reportedly watched in horror as the crash caused a glass of red wine to spill, a chair to topple to its side, and the untimely deaths of two orphaned children, who happened to be standing directly beneath the wayward ceiling fixture. “The scene was ghastly,” said charity-goer Miranda Van der Steen. “The chaos caused me to upset my glass of merlot, which soaked me completely and irreparably stained my shawl, which was made out of the fur of an extinct species of bandicoot.” Rutherford Weston, who was also present, described a similarly horrifying scene. “The servants had just laid out a beautiful table full of shrimp
Also, Two Orphans Dead
QUICKIES
Peasant Gets Dirt on Refined Gentleman’s Coattails
A stray ragamuffin reportedly sullied the countenance of a dignified gentleman who was on his way to work last Thursday. "I do say, it's preposterous. Indeed, utter poppycock. Quite so. Very well. Pish posh, carry on, as you were," the gentleman confirmed.
Caviar Shortage Causes Disgruntled Indifference IT'S A HARD KNOCK LIGHT An expensive vase was nearly destroyed during a freak accident involving a chandelier and two dead orphans
cocktail, which is my favorite snack at charity events,” confessed Weston. “The table was almost completely destroyed, there ended up only being enough shrimp for about half of the guests.” The deaths of the two small, helpless orphans, who had been trying to earn a living by passing around trays of food at the event, gravely affected the previously cheerful mood at the event.
“I actually thought it was a little selfish of the orphans to choose that moment to die, personally,” admitted local millionaire Thornton Gold III. “We were there to help raise money for a good cause, and they made the night all about them. At press time, arrangements were being made to give the fallen chandelier a proper sendoff. “It was a very valuable chandelier, and it will be greatly missed in the community,”
ROOK-Y ERROR
Steroid Scandal Leaves Chess Society in Shambles
Billionaire Confesses: "I Still Crave My Father's Acceptance" Trophy Wife to Spend Busy Day Watching Servants Clean Embarrassing Book Club Faux Pas Results As Two Members Show Up With Crumb Cakes Sound Of Aston Martin Engine Revving Gives Lawyer First Erection In Three Years
BY GODIVA'S MAN-BITCH NEWS EDITOR
STOKE-ON-TRENT—Reginald P. Dillwater, reigning lord in the Royal Chess Society, has been temporarily banned from further play for his involvement in the procurement and administration of performance enhancing snuff. Dillwater, along with his compatriots, will be docked sixpence from their salary, and reprimanded whole-heartedly in a seething telegram from society headquarters in downtown Staffordshire.
50¢
STOCK CORNER The Royal Chess Society is the second league of the Empire to be tallywacked by such a lurid scandal. The Imperial Polo Club recently slapped 50 game bans on seven of it's thoroughbred athletes. With Dillwater's public shaming, it is unclear when he
will get back between the black and white squares for his next match. Mandatory tea and snuff inspections will continue as the Empire's most vaunted and titillating sport tries to reclaim its tainted image. Meanwhile, Dillwater will consult his bishop.
From the Debter's Prison ESTABLISHED 1970